A Changed Man
by jessx08
Summary: What if Severus Snape realised his mistake before he blundered further into Death Eaterhood ? What if he realised where he was going wrong ? Things could be much more different than he would ever have believed.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

It was night time. Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown, stood with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the fat lady, at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower. Her face was contorted into a disdainful expression, unnatural and rare to see upon visage of Lily Evans

"I only came out here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-"

"Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can even understand why I talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends - you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?

He opened his mouth and then closed it, his gaze dropping ashamedly to the floor.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way and I've chosen mine."

At those words, Severus froze, but had a sudden change of heart in the matter. He relaxed his body, pulling his shoulders back. He wasn't going to let her go. He lifted his gaze and stared, determined, into her brilliant green eyes, willing not to break contact.

"I will change."

The steadiness and certainty in his voice and the intensity and energy charged into his eyes disconcerted Lily, her eyebrows rising slightly and green eyes widening. Gathering herself, she snapped her eyes into a narrow glare.

"It's too late, Severus Snape. You can't take back the word, and it shows you for who you really are. Don't lie, you can't change, it's over."

Lily was about to turn her gaze away from Severus' still focused eyes when he said, "_I will change_."

Lily Evans was shocked at her former best friend's confidence. Severus had drawn himself up to full height, only a couple of inches taller than her and Lily found she was rooted to the spot in bewilderment as Severus strode away from the portrait and left Lily, staring wide eyed at the steadily departing mop of black hair until he turned the corner into the next corridor and was no longer apparent in her view.

Severus Snape felt anguish which he only revealed to the surrounding tapestries and portraits when he turned and concealed his expression from Lily Evans.

Lily had relinquished their relationship. All his walls were coming down, his heart pounding in his ears, biting back tears which threatened to fall from his watering eyes. He didn't care about the risk of meeting a teacher after hours, or even encountering pesky Peeves, the poltergeist. Nothing mattered now. If anyone had tried to use Legilimency on him at that point, he would have conceded his thoughts, unprotected and vulnerable for the intruder to easily explore. Either way, the only things they would see were images of Lily: her reassuring smile; her deep crimson hair; the milky glow of her pale skin; her inquisitive green eyes, and especially those last, painful words she had conveyed.

"_You can't change. It's over."_

Severus fired up and his expression transformed. His eyes still watered, half-closed, but his teeth were clenched, hidden by his thin lips, which were becoming impossibly thinner. The bridge of skin between his eyebrows creased with anger. The portrait of an old man rocking in his chair paused in his activity to ask if Severus was alright. Snape stalked on - ignoring the old man trapped on canvas who shrugged and resumed rocking - commencing the journey down the marble staircase. Each step he took down the stairs echoed hauntingly in the stark silence, excepting his own heavy breathing.

_Change, _he thought, furious, _change, that isn't hard. I can change. I will change. I'll show her. I'll show all of them. I don't need this Dark Arts crap. I'll live either way. I can change. It'll all be worth it if Lily could look at me decently again…_

He followed this trail of thought until he reached the Slytherin portrait.

"Apocalypse," he spoke absent-mindedly. The portrait swung forward and Severus walked through the thin passage to the common room. He was headed straight for his dormitory, passing Mulciber and Avery on the way.

"Hey Severus," called Mulciber, "Nice going today, you gave it to that Mudblood good, aye? Her reaction was hilarious, to see that look on the damn filth's face, haha…"

Mulciber and Avery sniggered heartily as Severus stopped in his tracks.

"Don't say that word."

"What…haha…what word?" Mulciber said between bursts of laughter, "Mudblood?" He said, teasing.

"SHUT UP!"

A few students scattered around in armchairs turned at the shout. Avery and Mulciber froze simultaneously, silencing themselves only to gawk at their supposed friend.

"What does it matter?"

"It matters everything," said Severus in a deep, deliberately slow voice, "It matters more than you two Death Eater wannabe idiots could ever comprehend. Don't talk to me _again_," Severus hissed the last word at them.

"That's rather asinine of you to insult my intelligence," said Mulciber in a low voice as he rose from his chair. Avery looked on, eager for a fight. A couple of first years gathered their things and scurried off to their dorm, foreseeing the coming chaos. Sixth and seventh years stuck around, delighted at the sight of the potential fight stirring up between the towering Mulciber and scrawny Snape. Severus' hand travelled slowly to his wand and pulled it from beneath his robes, just as slowly, holding Mulciber's eyes all the while. The gesture caused Mulciber to imitate the action, but with one last fiery gaze, Severus turned and walked away, towards the fifth-year dormitory.

Confused at what had just happened, Mulciber did not react to Snape and instead exchanged looks with Avery who was equally as baffled. Spectators dropped their gazes disappointedly, and Severus slammed the door shut.

Severus felt a sense of pride in himself for not acting violently; he knew he had come out the better wizard and was victorious in his inaction. He had finally dismissed his so called friends, his precious little Death Eater friends…

_If Lily only saw that, _he thought.

Severus slowly changed into his night wear, head buzzing with the day's horrid events and what caused them.

_I called her mudblood, _he thought acidly, rebuking himself, _why in the bloody hell would you ever do that you idiot? _

He settled himself into his bed, drawing his curtains around him and finally lying down with his head resting on his palms. He decided to cast some protective spells on his bed, just in case Mulciber and Avery had figured out that he had just disowned them as friends. He knew he would have to do it more often, he was now a target. All the sixth _and_ seventh years had witnessed his disloyal outburst.

As Severus lay in deep thought, he realised he knew that it wasn't just calling her that terrible word which broke it up. She was right. It was much more than that. It was many years of doing things that hurt her. He listed mentally all the things that upset Lily in the past involving himself: dropping a tree branch on her daft sister; becoming friends with potential Death Eaters; condemning everyone but her; refusing to socialise with her Gryffindor friends; showing blatant disdain towards Gryffindor; laughing at all Mulciber's cruel jokes about Mudbloods and the Dark Arts; mingling in the Dark Arts; contemplating joining the Death Eaters; calling her a Mudblood.

He felt disgusted with himself. He pulled his hands from the back of his head and covered both of his reddening eyes. So much pain…that he had caused…and he didn't even realise…he was her best friend…

He pulled himself from his reverie, rolling onto his side and curling up like a ball.

He didn't even understand anymore. Why did he want to get involved with the junior Death Eaters? The Dark Arts? Why didn't he show the least bit of respect for himself?

He only grouped with the Death Eater gang because being in Slytherin meant expectations, and meeting them and not meeting them meant you were done for, especially if you were a half-blood pretending to be pure. Being a Prince meant expectations, he had to redeem himself after his mother's horrible mistake of marrying a Muggle, right?

And the Dark Arts…his mother had always told him of the great power they held, the magnificent things you could do, he realised this too. They had always fascinated him, they were so alluring, so thrilling…

But he knew he had to shut that from his mind.

He rolled onto his other side, staring into the emerald curtain.

Lily was much more than all of it. She was everything. She was his whole world, Muggle and Wizarding. She was always there. Any torture the Slytherins inflicted upon him would bearable as long as Lily was by his side.

If he changed his being, she would congratulate him, be proud, reward him with a hug even, something Sev had been devoid of his whole life. A much better reward than anything the Dark Lord could offer. What, another chance to live? He sneered and let go of the thought.

_And she'd call me Sev again. _A dreamy expression crossed his face.

And what did it mean to serve You-Know-Who anyway?

_Nothing_, he thought, _just more pain and suffering, and having people hate you, fear you. There is no love._

Severus Snape had a revelation.

Love.

He wanted love. He wanted to love. He wanted to be loved. And he wanted it with Lily Evans. The idea was frightening. More so then He Who Must Not Be Named himself.

He knew from that moment onwards he would never join the Dark Lord.

_I have to stop calling him the Dark Lord…_

Severus knew he had to begin his change. Calling Voldemort the name everyone else did would be the first step, probably the easiest too. He contemplated it in his head: he had to atone for all the sins he had committed in the past, all the ones he had listed.

_Make up with Petunia; separate myself from the death eaters, well I've already sort of done that…try not to make any remarks about anyone; try to talk to the Gryffindors, especially Mary, Lily would like that; leave Muggleborns alone; disassociate myself with the Dark Arts; never communicate with You-Know-Who; take back what I said._

But Severus knew it wasn't as easy as that. He couldn't just take it all back, he had to go through steps. He already tried to apologise, and Lily didn't take it. She didn't believe him for one second…he would have to try harder, take a different approach.

He rolled back onto his back, hands back behind his head once more. He had lived his life this way for fifteen years, delving into the Dark Arts for the majority of the fifteen. It would be a long and hard process, he knew it. And painful. He knew there would be rejection; there would be physical and emotional pain. But he would endure.

_I need to start tomorrow, I need to prove to Lily that I've already change. Yeah…I've already changed…_

Severus began to plan and scheme for the coming weeks on how best to sort things out…his mind drifting into unconsciousness as his hands slid from the back of his head and his body lay splayed on top of the covers, a pleased smile touching his lips.

Lily Evans would be his best friend.

And he would never stop to make it happen.

Never.

Mulciber and Avery entered the dormitory past midnight, not bothering to try and keep the volume down even though three of his roommates already had their curtains drawn and were likely to be dozing off. Mulciber strode straight to the right of the room and went to rip open the curtains of Severus Snape's four-poster, but found his hands incapable of passing within an inch of the curtain.

Deadly in tone and expression, he muttered towards the place where Snape would be lying, "You're done."


	2. Chapter 2

Hi all, just a quick note, please check out my profile for some words about this story, thanks

Severus Snape woke at seven in the morning feeling groggy. The long contained tears he woke up to had made his eyes ache and his nose run, and there wasn't any improvement as he remembered the horribly ominous dream he had, which had invoked the tears as he'd awaken. At first, he was in the Great Hall, eating dinner with Lily Evans, both contentedly laughing with one another, but suddenly she had begun to cry, her tears the size of Dungbombs. No matter how many times Sev told her that it was okay and that there was nothing to worry about, it seemed that her tears would flow more rapidly until the Great Hall had flooded up to their knees as they sat. But then her mood shifted once again and she was in a rage; her eyes gleaming red instead of their usual green and her pupils had thinned into cat-like slits. She clutched Severus' robes and was babbling plain gibberish, shaking him back and forth until she threw him down into the flood. Although it seemed knee deep, he was submerged in water and slowly drifting down into a bottomless ocean; Lily was standing above the surface of the water, glaring down at him. Her face began to change, neck and head began to split into two, elongating and stretching until she resembled a two headed python, hissing viciously at him.

In a blink, the worst of Severus' nightmare had arrived. The two heads of Lily were transfigured into those of Mulciber and Avery, carrying sick smiles on their faces, always staring down at him, heads swaying from side to side.

"_You're a traitor."_

"_You're a Muggle lover."_

"_No one loves you."_

"_You're weak."_

The pair of them hissed an onslaught of taunts in which chimed in Severus' ears so loudly that his head shook even thought the body of water should have muffled the sound. He saw Lily Evans, falling down towards him, he reached out his arms to catch her, to hold her, but she fell straight through him, like a ghost. He turned around and saw her gaunt face, empty eyes staring emotionlessly back into his.

"_It's over."_

Sev felt sick, but took a deep breath and clutched his stomach, holding it for a few short seconds and then breathing out slowly, trying to blow his fear away. His stomach unclenched a bit and he found it was bearable to move. He sat up and crawling towards the end of his lumpy bed, he took a handful of curtain and peered through.

All of his roommates' beds were empty. Thankful, Sev withdrew the curtains, hopped out of bed and considered his new enemies' absence to be a sign of good luck, a positive sign for the coming day. Opening his trunk and pulling out his freshly laundered clothes, he shrugged on his Slytherin robes and pulled on his polished shoes and socks.

Perhaps for the first time in his life, Sev stepped up to the body length mirror and had a good look at himself. He was a lean, pallid boy who still looked like he hadn't fully matured, his chin pointed but weak in definition. His eyes were criticising his figure as they swept over his greasy black hair which hung in curtains, hiding most of his face in a shadow. He tried to relax his face as he saw the taut line which was his lips. He looked slightly more approachable that way, but still not good-looking. He tried to smile, something he hadn't managed for a while, his cheeks twitched as the corners of his mouth ascended on his face. He ended up laughing at his ridiculous attempt and found he liked his face much better that way. He grinned jovially. He still looked like he hadn't washed in years though.

_No wonder why I didn't attract much company in first year..._he thought to himself, although he still grinned. For some reason unfathomable, he found the matter amusing.

Happy with the small progress of the morning, he lifted his shoulders, gave one last glance at his appearance in the mirror, then turned on his heel and went down the stairs to the common room. It was a rather warm day it seemed, seeing as the usual coolness of Slytherin's headquarters seemed to have decreased.

_Don't make eye contact with anyone, just grin and bear it._

He knew he looked like a complete idiot, smiling into the distance for no apparent reason at all , but Sev just kept his gaze fixed in the direction of the exit and tried not to notice the absurd looks a couple of second years were giving him in his peripherals as he walked along.

_Well, it doesn't seem Mulciber or Avery are in here, otherwise there'd already have been an uproar..._

He left the Slytherin common room without a fuss and automatically felt relief wash through his body. He had escaped the now terrible and potentially life threatening place that was Slytherin for one morning. Seeing no one else travelling down the same corridor, he walked on. He was passing the Potions classroom when he realised something he completely forgot. He pressed his back into a cavity on the wall alongside the classroom. His smile disappeared and his eyes widened, body tensing uncomfortably.

_I'm going to see Lily Evans for the first time since our break up last night. Shit._

He hadn't thought about how he would handle her presence. He was staring at the ground in front of him, unaware of his surroundings. She would be in the Great Hall. Would she look at him? Would she scrutinize him? Or would she pretend he didn't even exist? The latter seemed most likely and Sev twisted his mouth to the side. He contemplated the thought of how to react to her actions...his mind began to fuzz over; instead of how to act around Lily, he began to think about the girl herself, all the times he'd spent with her, the good ones anyway...  
He snapped himself out of it.

_Come off it you idiot, if you want that again you have to focus._

He reached his decision. He would contradict her. He would contradict the way she acted around him, and contradict what she believed he would act as a result of their fight. _And no doubt, _he thought_, she thinks I'm going to be depressed, like usual..._

He was going to walk into the Great Hall, walking tall and with the largest smile anyone ever saw on him. He would sit down alone, right at the end of his table and eat as if he was as hungry as a hippogriff. He wasn't going to be the one to suffer.  
He gave a light push off the wall, turned right and set off once again, making it to the steps.  
Where were all the Slytherins today?

Walking upstairs, Sev was already hatching his plan for later that night. He had his Transfiguration OWL today so he had to work in between exams. It would be unnervingly difficult.  
He reached the top of the stairs and made it into the Entrance Hall. Almost as soon as he had taken a step outside of the doorframe, he heard the cracking sound of marble to his right. Alice Longbottom was on her hands and knees, her book bag swinging from her neck, most of her possessions on the ground. Her mouth formed an 'O' and her eyebrows were raised. Severus knew her to be notoriously clumsy and was not surprised to see her panting on the ground.

"Oops," she uttered.

Severus knew this was the time to settle differences between Gryffindor and Slytherin. He strolled towards her and stretched his hand to offer and said, "Er...are you alright?  
She looked up at his hand, smiled and took it and pushed herself up off the ground with her other hand. As she stood up, she looked down at herself and brushed herself off. Then she looked up, and realised who it was who helped her. Her smile faltered.

"Oh...Er, hi."  
"Hi."

Severus was socially awkward, not having much experience with personalities outside of Slytherin. He began picking up her notebooks to give himself something to do; he retrieved her Transfiguration textbook, quills and ink, and she just looked awkwardly down at him. He tentatively slid all of them into her book bag. Alice was extremely confused at Snape's kind gesture. Sev cracked a smile, trying to force the corners of his mouth to spread as wide as they could. In turn, Alice smiled, not being to help it and started giggling. Sev smiled genuinely now and held out a hand.

"I'm Severus Snape."

Alice put her hand over her mouth and gave a little giggle. She obviously already knew who he was, but out of courtesy to his strange actions, she took his and replied, "I'm Alice Longbottom."  
They shook hands for a little bit too long and suddenly Sev felt very awkward.

"Er, so...what happened here?"

"Oh, haha," she was still giggling lightly, remembering the never-before-seen wide smile on Severus Snape's face, "I was rummaging through my book bag, checking everything was there and I guess I kind of veered off course and ended up running into that marble head bust," she finished with a guilty smile at the head bust of a wizard whose nose was cracked down the middle, now looking up at them, one eye on each of them.

"Er, that's alright. Reparo."

Sev waved his wand and the two sides of the bust clamped together. Sev picked it up and placed it back on its pedestal.

"Be careful next time, you could have seriously hurt yourself," he said with a warning tone in his voice.

Alice Longbottom was stunned by the concern this Slytherin was showing her. Not to mention one who just called one of her best friends a Mudblood. Remembering the event and quickly wanting to forget, she said, "Er, so...that Transfiguration exam today, huh? Nervous?"

"Yeah, a bit. How about you?"

"Kind of as well, but not as much as I am about Potions, it's my worst subject you see so..." She trailed off, muttering and looking down at the floor.

"I could help you some time, if you want," Sev had no idea what he was saying, and Alice looked up at him, "It's my best subject I mean, I could teach you how to make the harder ones, or just techniques on handling ingredients, that sort of thing..."

Expecting Alice to shy away and walk off frightened, he was absolutely surprised to see her looking up at him with joy in her eyes.  
She knew he was the best at Potions in their year by a long shot and if she wanted to become an Auror, she would need an Exceeds Expectations.

"Well the exam is in four days, so do you want to meet up tomorrow?"

Thoroughly taken aback, Sev flinched a bit, but caught himself quickly. Alice let out another giggle.

"Er, yeah, um, well, do you want to meet me in the Potions classroom after the theory exam for Ancient Runes tomorrow? I'll ask Professor Slughorn if we can use the rooms, I'm sure he'll let us."

"Sounds like a plan! Thanks a tonne Severus! I can tell we're going to be good friends!" Alice suddenly felt embarrassed. This new streak of kindness had taken her and she suddenly felt gratitude towards this lanky Slytherin boy.

Sev was in shock now. This was the first time he'd heard a Gryffindor other than Lily use his name. It was either 'that boy' or 'Slytherin scum' or, of course, 'Snivellus'. She had also said they were friends. Sev cracked another genuine smile, he was suddenly very happy that he had helped Alice Longbottom.

"And by the way, I believe you," Alice said quietly.

"Er...Sorry?"

"I believe that you're sorry. For calling Lily what you called her. I don't believe you meant it. I'm sure it was just pressure, and all that blood rushing to your head while you're hanging upside down must render you somewhat incoherent." Alice blushed, recalling Severus' grey underpants and skinny legs.

Sev could have hugged her. And he never hugged anyone, not even his own mother.

"Well, I better get to breakfast," said Alice, "Gotta do some last minute studying." She smiled.

Sev returned the gesture and said, "It was nice meeting you."

She was already walking away when she raised the back of her hand and waved it saying, "See you tomorrow!"

Sev hardly knew what just happened. He'd befriended clumsy clutsy Alice Longbottom? And he was doing private tutoring with her tomorrow. He wondered if she would tell Lily, probably not, but he was hopeful to think that she would realise that he's making an effort with her friends.

He began walking towards the Great Hall and entered, doing as he planned walking confidently. But he couldn't help noticing a pair of green eyes staring widely at him. Alice told her, he knew, but he looked away quickly, not betraying that he saw her there. He sat down at his house's table and immediately picked up two sausages, some scrambled and egg and pouring a glass of pumpkin juice. He dug in and furtively glanced up and down the table to see if Mulciber and Avery were present. They were nowhere to be seen. He was forking food into his mouth absently, in deep thought about his scheme of events for the day.

-

Lily Evans was furious. Mad beyond belief. What was he doing, suddenly talking and being nice to her friends? She was absorbed in her own thoughts, squeals from her dorm friends of "Severus Snape?" or "You're friends with that boy?" or "Don't you know what he did to Lily?" went through one ear and out the other. He was manipulating her she knew it; she wanted to make him jealous. And he was going to help Alice with Potions! He had no patience for inept people when it came to Potions!  
She looked up and saw that Severus had walked in to the Great Hall. She could not control her expression, but just stared at him, hardly aware of what she was doing. He glanced around the hall but strode straight to the Slytherin table, without any notice of her fixed stare.  
It suddenly struck her.

_He's tricking Alice! He's going to do something to her!_

"Alice, please don't go and see him tomorrow," she spewed out fearfully.

"Lily, I know that you've had a rough patch with him but that doesn't concern my relationship with him. We're now friends and I'm not going to turn my back on him already. You should have seen him smile. It was genuine." She smiled to herself at the memory. All her friends, Mary especially started making "Ooooh" sounds.  
_  
The only time Sev ever genuinely smiled was with me_, she thought balefully.

"Someone's got a crush!" Mary said with excitement.

"I don't have a crush! You guys know I'm with Frank! We're just friends," she blushed, "And besides, I wouldn't even do that while I'm friends with Lily."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Spat Lily, she came back to reality.

"I mean that I wouldn't date my best friend's ex-best friend. You were crying your eyes out when you came back in after you talked to him. Don't think we didn't notice just because you went straight to the dorm. We're your girlfriends, of course we would know." The other girls nodded in concurrence.

"You guys have no idea what you're talking about. I have nothing to do with him anymore, he's nothing! Talk to whoever you want Alice I couldn't care less." Lily stood up and stalked out, leaving her friends flustered. They watched her go, but as soon as she left the door, they reverted to listening intently to Alice's recount of the events with Severus Snape and his newfound kindness. 

Sev had finished lunch and got up, checking he had his things then turned to leave. He saw the gaggle of Lily's friends, but with Lily absent. Where was she? Her friends didn't leave with her? He looked away and made his way to the Entrance Hall, where he decided he would go out into the grounds while waiting for the exam hall to be set up. He took to the nearest tree. The Marauders were lingering down closer to the lake and hadn't noticed him as he hid in the shade of the tree. He sat next to its trunk, leaned back into it and brought his knees halfway to his chest, his arms crossing over and hands hanging limply. He tilted his head back, touching the tree and closed his eyes.

_I need fireworks_, he thought, _so I guess it's a trip to Filch's office, but I need a diversion..._

He thought it through and realised he needed more help. He quickly scrambled up, clutching his bag and jogged awkwardly back into the Entrance Hall and sped up to get to the Great Hall. He stopped, looked around and saw Alice still chatting animatedly to the Gryffindor fifth years.

"Alice!" He yelled out, he ran towards her and a few of her friends giggled, "Alice, hi, sorry to bother you again but I was just wondering, would you happen to have any Dungbombs on you, or know anyone who does?" He said swiftly.

"Oh, um," Alice blushed a little and Sev's face turned into an awkward smile, "Well, no I don't-"

"I have some," said a girl with erratic, curly brunette hair, olive skin and rich brown eyes to Alice's left. She reached across Alice to shake his hand, "I'm Esmerelda Ellis, but you can call me Ell."

He precariously took her hand and shook it, "Severus Snape, you have Dungbombs?"

"Yeah they're in my dorm though, always gotta keep a few safe, just incase," she winked, grinning up at him.

"Er, well, I don't want to inconvenience you and I assure you I'll pay you back, but do you think I could borrow a couple?"

"Oh, yeah of course! I can just summon them, hopefully they don't whizz by Filch, but I'll risk it." She reached for her wand and waved it saying, "Accio my dungbombs!"

They all waited for a minute, just a bit uncomfortable, but eventually they saw two brown lumps flying through the huge Great Hall doors, a few people ducking to avoid a collision, then straight into Ell's hands. Here, she handed them to him, glancing at the staff table cautiously, but no teachers had their eye in their direction, and apparently hadn't noticed them whizzing in.

"You don't have to pay me back, they're way old, I haven't used them in ages, but that just makes them stink more." She beamed up at him.

_Perfect,_ he thought, then something came over him.

"Hey, Alice and Ell, do you think I could just talk to you over here for a second?"

The girls exchanged looks, got up and followed him to the Entrance Hall. Their friends broke out into girly giggles and he heard one say, "She's right, he does have a smile that makes you want to smile too," and they broke out into a fit of girlish laughter, causing him to smile the spoken of smile.

When they reached the nearest corner of the Entrance Hall, he turned and said to them, "I don't want to seem forward, but do you think I could ask you guys a favour?"

Their faces at first were uncertain, but they quickly rearranged their expressions and nodded in acceptance.

"Yeah, sure," they both said.

"Okay, well..." He briefed them on the plan and they indicated that they understood by nodding every now and again. Once he was done, he said, "And I will make sure that you guys don't get in trouble if we get caught, I doubt we will anyway..."

To Sev's surprise, they looked excited and he inquired, "You're not worried?"

They looked at each other and laughed and Alice said, "Anything to get back at Filch."

The girls continued laughing, started to turn, said "See you later, Severus" and walked off.  
Sev hardly noticed because suddenly he had a frightening thought. He hadn't seen Mulciber or Avery anywhere, and Lily was all alone somewhere. He started, glancing frantically all over the place, not knowing what he was actually looking at and began to cross the Entrance Hall, moving his feet as fast as possible.

Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily...it was like a chant in his head.

Severus kept looking around and saw Lily, coming down the marble staircase. He stopped, closed his eyes and breathed out, relief washing through him as if a potion for Euphoria had just been poured down his throat. 

Lily Evans trumped down the Marble staircase with her head looking at the next step down. She lifted her head to scan the Entrance Hall for her friends and noticed Severus Snape in a strange position. He was standing stock still with his eyes closed, his chest inflating and deflating slowly. What was he doing? What was wrong with him? He never let his guard down in public like that.  
A gang of boys entered through the tall oak doors into the Entrance Hall, laughing about something. Lily panicked. Sev was unaware that he was vulnerable to the Marauders right now. She had to do something, even if they weren't friends anymore. She still didn't want to see the Marauders be gratified. She pulled out her wand and making sure no one could see, she muttered "_Langlock_" and walked on. That would get his attention and he knew the non-verbal counter curse. She proceeded with her head down, resuming the look she had occupied before and waited outside the doors of the Great Hall where Professor McGonagall was waiting for the other fifth years. 

Severus Snape shivered in relief. _Lily, she's okay, she's safe..._

Suddenly, his tongue flew to the roof of his mouth and stuck there, immovable no matter how hard he tried to wriggle it around and within seconds, he realised what had happened. He pulled out his wand and set his tongue free once more, and noticed James Potter and his cronies approaching. He quickly power walked to the line outside the Great Hall which McGonagall was watching. Who casted _Langlock_? The only other person who knew the spell was…

"All fifth years, please bring nothing into the exam room. We will provide quills and ink. There will be no means in which it will possible for you to cheat and we will be monitoring your behaviour. You are now in exam conditions so please be silent."

The quaking fifth years filed into the Great Hall, bracing themselves for the coming trial.

-

Severus left the Great Hall feeling great. The exam was much easier than he had anticipated and was he was rather underwhelmed by it.

_McGonagall can do better than that_, he thought, smirking.

But now was the time for him to focus. It was time to hatch his plan. He met Ell and Alice in the Entrance Hall once more and they huddled.

"Okay Alice, go to the fourth floor, you know what to do, Ell," The nickname sounded strange on his tongue, "Go to Filch's office when I give you the go, you know what to do. As soon as the first Dungbomb is set, set the next one off, seventh floor. I know he'll take the shortcut behind tapestry and with luck, he'll be so enraged that he'll forget about the trick step. You guys ready?" He asked slightly nervous.

They betrayed some nervousness themselves, but nodded all the same.

"Okay, let's go."

Alice Longbottom ran to the marble staircase and climbed it, panting, taking the fourth floor shortcut herself, jumping the trick step and climbing until she was finally on the fourth floor. She peered out from behind the tapestry and walked into the fourth floor corridor nonchalantly, pretending to be interested in the portraits. Slipping one hand casually into her robes, she pulled out a Dungbomb and dropped it without looking at it or even hinting that anything unusual had just happened. She walked to the bathroom to the left of the corridor and hid behind the door frame. She turned around, scanned for any observers and as it seemed that the coast was clear, she pointed to the bomb and muttered, "_Expulso_".  
The fourth floor corridor was frantic: the Dungbomb had been obliterated and brown powder had covered the walls, the paintings and any unfortunate passers-by. The powder was hanging in the air like a large brown gas cloud. The odour was gut-wrenching. Some people screamed, everyone held their noses and fled the scene. Alice held her own nose and pulled out a sickle, pointed at it and said "Depulso". The sickle flew from her open hand and travelled down the marble staircase at the end of the corridor. A cackling Peeves jumped out suddenly yelling "BOO!" at anyone who was retreating, scaring them out of their wits if they hadn't already lost them.

Severus was anxiously waiting for the signal from Alice and Ell was standing next to him awkwardly when he saw a tiny speck flying in his direction.

"Ell, it's ready, go!"

Esmerelda hurried to the door on the opposite side of the dungeons and entered the corridor in which Hufflepuff's secret entrance resided. She followed the corridor to the very end until she reached the small wooden door planted on the far wall. She knocked and waited for a few seconds before Filch's face sprang at her through the opening. She stumbled back a bit.

"What is it? I'm in the middle of something!" He barked.

"Mr Filch someone set off a Dungbomb on the fourth floor and it splattered everywhere!"

Filch's nostrils flared and the diameter of his nostrils increased substantially. He yanked the door open and strode out grunting and heaving, muttering something that included 'bloody', 'students' and 'everyday'. The force of his pull caused the door to hit the wall on the inside of the room and to rebound until it would slam shut. Ell caught it in time and she saw Severus taking large strides towards her, starting a jog the closer he got to her.  
When he reached her, he said, "Nice one, now seventh floor, be quick, you know what to do."

She flashed a quick smile which he returned and then was gone, taking to the Entrance Hall out of sight.

Alice left her hiding place and travelled up to the fifth floor, desperate to find anyone to help her. She saw a puny blonde first year Gryffindor girl, her arms full of books, walking alone. Alice hurried to her.

"Excuse me, sorry, uh, Mr Filch is downstairs right now and I have to study for my OWL. A Dungbomb has been set off on the seventh floor, do you think you could tell him for me?" Alice asked the little girl sweetly.

She nodded, intimidated by Alice's size and left Alice to notify Filch. Alice ran to the seventh floor.

-  
Following the same sequence of events as Alice, Esmerelda sprinted as fast as her legs could carry her up the marble staircase, also taking the fourth floor shortcut and revisiting the marble staircase for the last three floors. She made it to the seventh floor, out of breath, and leant on a wall in the opening corridor casually. Moving along after catching her breath for a minute, she found herself in the corridor where resided the tapestry Barnabus the Barmy trying to teach trolls ballet. The corridor was completely vacated. She drew out the Dungbomb from her inside pocket and dropped it. She dashed to the wall and around the corner and peered into the empty corridor. "_Expulso_," she said and the bomb exploded in a similar fashion to how Alice's had: Barnabas the Barmy and his band of trolls were now covered in a misty brown, and the powder settled over the corridor.  
A tap on Esmerelda's shoulder startled her but as she spun around, instead of Filch she saw to her relief that Alice was there, grinning merrily.

"I've just told Filch about this one. He's absolutely fuming! He'll be on his way up now so let's get the heck out of here!"  
The two girls scurried down the corridor which wasn't covered in dung powder, passing the Fat Lady's portrait and turning into the corridor on the left when they saw Filch hurtling into the corridor, but turning right instead to the place where the Dungbomb had been set off. They had made it to the marble staircase unnoticed and hurried down to meet Severus.

-  
He hurried into the open door of Filch's office. He'd never been in here before, and the smell it emanated was utterly putrid.

_Filch probably washes himself less often than I do_, he thought, noting that that was something he should probably do more often.

It was shabby and small, but big enough to fit all the things Filch would need to apprehend, record and confiscate things concerning students' shenanigans. Severus looked around ignoring the sights, searching for the confiscated items drawer. There was one small draw which contained smaller items that had been confiscated and a large one, which still didn't look big enough to contain any of the things he guessed that Filch would have considered dangerous enough to take from students.

_Must be an Undetectable Extension charm..._he thought as he took stride to the large cupboard. He opened it up and rummaged around for what he needed.

_Hmm...a 10 pack set of Fanged Frisbees...an enlarged dungbomb...a container of bubotuber pus...how did these students attain these sorts of things? _

He stuck his hand further down the draw and with an "Ugh!" he yanked it back out. He didn't know what it was, but something green and sticky now covered his hand.

"What on earth-"

It began to crawl up his hand and into his sleeve.

"Scourgify!" He yelled and as if it had been burned by a flame, the unidentified object slid off his hand like wax and dropped to the floor, inanimate. Sev kept an eye on it and began his search once again when he found what he was looking for.  
He pulled out the box and read the brand name: _Dr Filibuster's Assorted Fireworks - have a blast on any occasion!  
Contains: Redcap Rockets; Whizzing Wheels; Walloping Wheezers and Handwritten Harleys._

_Excellent. Knew there would be someone who'd try to smuggle them in._

He had been in there for ten minutes and he wondered whether his unwelcome visit had been overstayed.

_Filch will be suspicious if all this stuff is on the floor._

He began to throw everything back in the drawer as quickly as possible, panicking at the prospect of a furious Filch and levitated the green goo back into the bottom of the drawer. Shutting it tight and looking around the office to see if anything else was out of place, he quickly muttered "_Reducio_" at the box of fireworks which as a result shrank into a size which he could pocket and began to back out of the office. He was now sure that everything was normal and turned to leave. He spun on his foot and turned around but was shocked to see someone in the doorway. Professor Slughorn was gaping at Severus, while Severus reciprocated the action. He caught his expression and gave one of his newly infamous smiles.

"Uh, hi sir."

"Severus? What are you doing here?" He said in a suspicious tone.

"Uh, Mr Filch is handling a Dungbomb situation upstairs and asked me to fetch him something to help him out," Sev stalled.

"A Dungbomb situation you say?" All suspicion was lost from his voice. "Well he should have called me! All the Dungbomb situations I've handled being Head of Slytherin..."

"Sir, I'm not trying to be rude, but why are you here?" Severus took a step towards the doorway, eager to leave before Filch came back.

"Oh, well, I was just going to ask Mr Filch if he has seen Mr Mulciber and Mr Avery today, you haven't, have you?"

"Not at all. I've been wondering where they've been actually..." Sev was growing anxious, and not just because of the possibility of Filch's return whilst he was still present.

"Sir, could you walk with me since Mr Filch isn't here? There's no point sticking around here any longer and I need to ask you something."

"'Course m'boy, come, come..."

Severus followed Slughorn out of the door and they walked side by side, at an amble.

"Professor, I was wondering, I need to help my friend practice for our Practical Potions Exam on Monday and we need a workspace. Do you think I could use the Potions classroom at break tomorrow? You can supervise if you want."

"Certainly Severus! This is with Miss Lily Evans I would presume?" He inquired, jolly.

Red flushed Severus' face as a streak of pain washed through his body, his heart felt like it was being crushed by a clamp. Slughorn noticed his expression and took the hint.

"Uh, I mean, who is it with again?"

Severus tried to ignore his pounding heart. "Alice Longbottom, sir."

"Oh dear, yes, Alice...that girl does need a bit of help, you can tell, especially after that last lesson when she spilled her failed Draught of Peace all over the floor...burned a hole right into the stone..." Slughorn paused as they were passing the painting of fruit, apparently reminiscing the unfortunate event. Re-entering reality, they began to walk again.

"But yes Severus, you may use it, it's probably for her own good, for all of us too. And I trust my best student to look after the place without my guidance! I hope you two have a productive session!" He concluded as they reached the doorway to the Entrance Hall. "And good luck," he added in a half whisper behind his hand, "If she does destroy anything or perhaps incinerate a cauldron, my office is right around the corner." And with that, Slughorn left him and headed towards the Great Hall where lunch awaited.

Sev gave a small laugh to himself when Filch passed him, covered in powder and an odious stench, all the while scowling and murmuring.

He saw Alice and Ell coming down the marble staircase, apparently unscathed. He walked across the Entrance Hall and they met half way.

"All done?" Alice said to Severus.

"All done," he said back. He wanted to say thank you but he'd never done it before and it felt uncomfortable on his lips.

"Er-"

Ell suddenly held an arm up with her hand near her face, palm open to Severus.

"Er, what's this for?" He gestured to her gesture.

Alice and Ell exchanged amused looks, and then burst out in maniacal laughter, clutching their stomachs with one of their hands and holding onto each other for support with their other.

"You," started Alice, "you've never - you've never seen - ahah - never seen a high five?"

They burst out into more hearty laughter at the look of confusion upon Sev's face. They looked comical, trying to gasp for breath while attempting not to collapse on the floor. Students passing by shot disapproving looks at their boisterous behaviour, and Sev just stood there, watching them. It must have been at least five minutes that he was standing there before their mirth began to die down.

"Oh-oh gosh Severus-haha..."

Their laughs were slowing down as they took deep breaths, still holding each other's shoulders.

"All you've gotta do," Ell brought her hand back up, gasping for air, "is do what I'm doing, and then hit my palm with yours."

"And what's the point of that?" He questioned.

They let escape some more giggles, but only for a couple of seconds.

"It's just like a gesture for acknowledging achievement, like saying "Congratulations" to someone. And you know what they say, actions speak louder than words."

Considering it, Sev brought up his right arm tentatively and opened his palm, pushing it into Ell's and leaving it there.

"Er, you're meant to take it off."

Embarrassed, Sev quickly drew away.

"Well it's something," Alice offered with a smile at Sev.

"You guys really helped today-"

"Don't even mention it, it was a pleasure," said Ell, smiling also.

All Sev could do was give them a smile, hoping to convey his appreciation.

"We'll talk again some time," said Ell as they began to walk back towards the Great Hall. They both waved and set off when they said, "Hey there's Lily!" They hurried towards her.  
Sev's head snapped up at the name, but caught himself and tried to look uninterested. He couldn't help noticing the look Lily was giving him from the bottom of the staircase though; he couldn't quite pick out what was expressed there, but it appeared blank and he wondered what had triggered that look.  
Before her two friends had even reached her, Lily turned and went into the Great Hall, leaving her friends dumbstruck and staring after her.

Although he had no idea what he'd done wrong, Sev felt bad. He carried his own legs to the Great Hall but no longer felt hungry, so he only went to the Slytherin table to pick up a sandwich without a glance or word to anyone and turned back around to cross the Entrance Hall once more, but leaving through the oak front doors instead. He absently took a bite out of his sandwich as the warm sunlight hit his face. He returned to the tree he had sat by earlier that morning.  
_  
Well, a friendship with Alice and Esmerelda is already proving fruitful,_ he thought, they were quite reliable, not to mention happier than the usual kind of person Sev would hang around.

Why was it that Lily's friends could see that there was good in him so much quicker than she could? They completely dismissed all bad feelings towards him, and all he did was help Alice out.  
_  
Is this what it's like to be kind? To be good?_

Sev mentally slapped himself. He knew he had been such an idiot all this time. It didn't matter where a person came from, even if it was Gryffindor. They didn't have to be his enemy. But now the only person he cared about considered him to be her enemy.  
He once again had a revelation.

_Lily did see the good in me. Ever since we were nine years old. Ever since we were kids, up until last night. But I disappointed her, I convinced her that evil had won...so many years...  
_  
Severus had his eyes closed again. Pain beyond pain filled his chest. It was like he was re-realising every now and again that Lily Evans hated him. And it hurt just as much this time as it had the last.  
_  
Since we were nine years old. I have loved her since I first met her._

"Oi, Snivellus!"

The outburst interrupted Severus' thoughts, but it caused the anguish to subside. He groaned internally, but kept his eyes shut. He said nothing.

"D'you hear me Sniv? Or is it not just your face that has problems?" James Potter barked.

The git, thought Severus, but his conscience was having a battle with itself as he inhaled deeply, forcing his voice to refrain from sounding.

James Potter was extremely irritated at this point and expected a comeback from Snape.

"Come on, Snivellus! It's only fun when you spew your filth at me!" Sirius and Peter snickered next to James. Lupin hung behind a bit, wanting to stay as far out of the scene as possible.

"Do us all a favour," Sev said, without opening his eyes and maintaining a calm tone, "and shut up for once, or say something that's worth listening to."

James was taken aback by Severus' calmness. Usually by this point, wands would have been out and Snape would have been hanging upside down.

"Do you really want to -"

"Hey look Potter it's Evans."

James spun around, searching for Lily, even though Severus' eyes had been closed when he'd said it. Sev heard the sound of a book colliding with someone's head and heard Sirius Black saying lowly, "As if you'd fall for that you idiot."

Severus smirked, but kept his eyes closed.

"Oh, you think that's funny do ya Snivellus? Well -"

A sound came from Severus' mouth as he opened it, and then he formed an 'O' with his mouth and whistled. He was snoring.

James Potter was furious at his opponent. Severus had his wand next to him, ready for James' attack but as James pulled out his wand, Lily Evans came into sight, walking by the scene, completely ignorant to the goings-on.

James stopped and ran to Lily, "Hey Evans, Evans!"

Without turning around, still walking, Lily said, "Piss off, Potter", dismissing him and stopping him in his tracks. Lupin and Pettigrew stood a distance away, looking awkward, while Sirius clapped a hand to James' back and said, "Better luck next time mate." James bowed his head, forgetting about Snape.

Severus, laughing silently to himself, got up and journeyed back to the castle, sitting in the Great Hall and reminiscing on the recent events until they began to usher the students out to prepare for the Transfiguration practical exam. Sev was ready.

It was night, Severus had taken his practical exam which was not as easy as the theory, but certainly manageable. He had eaten dinner; alone of course, finally spotting Mulciber and Avery up the other end of the table with their roommates, not sparing him a single death stare, or even a glance. This worried Sev a bit, but he let it go for the time being. He'd have to handle them later, but at the moment, he had work to do. He went back to the Slytherin common room thirty minutes before dinner had ended and made his way up to his empty dorm room. He went straight to his trunk and pulled out every Dark Arts book he owned, which accumulated to eleven in total. Most of them he had inherited from his mother. He stacked them, picked them up, and left his dormitory once more. He crossed the still empty common room and left. He made his way through the dungeons, through the Entrance Hall, and began to climb up the marble staircase, intending to go to the West Tower.  
Sev entered the Owlery and thankfully no one was there. He perused the many owls hanging about the walls which were covered in droppings. He picked up some bran off the floor, held it in the palm of his hand and offered it to a brown barn owl. The barn owl accepted the offering and ate from his hand. He placed his left forefinger in front of the owl's feet. The owl surveyed him, and then took one foot and clasped it round his finger, then his other foot followed suit. Happy with himself, Sev began to walk slowly out of the Owlery, looking at the owl as if asking for permission, and taking that the owl not moving meant he was okay with this displacement, he set off at a brisker pace.  
There was still a bit of light left in the day which was good luck for Sev because it meant Filch was not yet patrolling the doors to the grounds. With dinner still not over, Severus slipped through the front doors, owl still perched on his finger. He recalled on what side of the castle that Gryffindor Tower was on and circumnavigated the castle until he found a spot directly below one of the windows of the enormous stone tower. Now all he had to do was write his note and wait with the owl.

An hour and a half passed, perhaps a while longer than that, and night had settled over the grounds. It was dark outside, but Sev did not dare light his wand. He occupied himself by stroking the barn owl, or helping it find insects to eat, always keeping close proximity to the tower window.  
It was time. He assumed Lily would be in the Gryffindor common room, but even if she was in her dorm, she'd still have seen what he had planned.  
He pulled out the Dr Filibuster's fireworks box and said "_Engorgio_". The box returned to its normal size and Sev laid it on the ground.

"Okay, fly this up to Lily Evans," he spoke to the owl as he attached a note to its leg, "make sure she gets it. Tap on the window all night if that's what it takes."

He raised his hand and the owl pushed, flapping it's wings and elevating higher and higher towards the window until it was just a black dot silhouetted in the light from the tower.  
Sev got to work immediately. He opened the box and pulled out the Handwritten Harleys, which came with a piece of parchment and a special golden quill.

Severus saw the owl disappear entirely into the window.

-

Lily Evans sat in front of the Gryffindor common room fire. She hardly talked to anyone all day, but still managed to feel worn out. She sat with her head rested on her hand as she stared into the crackling flames.  
So many thoughts were running through her mind, she couldn't pin one down. She wrapped her arms around herself and brought her knees up to her chest.  
There was a sharp tapping sound. All the Gryffindor's were trying to place it, and finally, a fourth year girl pointed to a window where an owl had appeared, stood up from her chair and went to open it.  
As soon as the window had opened wide enough for the owl to enter, he flew directly towards Lily, sat on the arm of her chair and dropped into her lap a folded piece of paper with her name on it.  
Bewildered, Lily fumbled with the letter, unfolded it and read:

_Look out the window._

Hesitating, she slowly pushed herself off the chair and moved towards the open window, people watching her go. When they realised there was something to look at out there, they all found their own windows to observe the coming events.  
Lily looked out the window. All she saw was the black of night. Suddenly, a jet of golden light sprung up from beneath the window, accompanied with a high-pitched whizzing sound.  
When it levelled out with Lily, the jet exploded. It swirled and twirled all over the place in sparks and sprinkles. Many people "Ooooh"ed and "Aaaaah"ed, but Lily just watched, her eyes blank. One curl began to follow a path as it curved to the left and was brought back around. Lily could recognise the cramped slanting handwriting of the message being spelt.

_What is he doing?_ She thought.

Lily's mouth opened slightly when the message finished.

_I want you to be happy, please. I am changing for you._

The message glowed in the sky, it sparked all over the place and showered down to the ground. Suddenly, a rectanglular-object flew up in front of her face. She looked closer and realised it was a book.  
She read the title: _Learning the Dark Arts._

_Is this his idea of a joke?_ She thought.

But all of a sudden, the book burst into flames and was burning, it burnt until there was nothing left and ash was falling from the sky. A second one went up. _The Darkest Arts of the Century._ This one caught fire as well and burned until nothing was left also. The process was repeated, book by book, right in front of Lily's face, until nine Dark Arts books later, Lily Evans had tears silently streaming down her face, uncontrollable. She tried to wipe them away with the back of her hand, but they kept coming. There was nothing left for her to see, and while people murmured excitedly about what had just happened and all Lily's dorm mates looked at her expectantly, she ran straight to her dorm, hopefully to be left alone.

Sev knew that by now Filch would come running, so he reduced the size of the box of fireworks once more, stuffed them in his inside pocket, and sprinted as fast as he could round the other side of the castle, away from the oak front doors.  
He knew he'd get caught anyway, but even if he did, it didn't matter, as long as Lily had gotten the message. He smiled with sadness filling him, wondering if his plan would change anything between them. He had rounded the entire castle, panting wildly and saw the doors to the Entrance Hall open. Filch had abandoned his post to find him. He sprinted to them and slipped through quietly, hoping to see no teacher on the other side.

_No one. It's my lucky day._

He ran straight to the dungeons, past the potions classroom, all the way to the Slytherin portrait without being seen and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Apocalypse," he gasped.

The portrait swung forward and he believed he was victorious.

_Maybe karma exists, _he thought.

Unfortunately, standing in centre of the common room was Professor Slughorn, who turned to look at him when he came in. He looked at Sev with a mix of anger and concern.

"Where on Earth have you been?"


	3. Chapter 3

Sev was absolutely freaking out internally, but he gathered all his wits to get ready for a lie-fest, hoping Slughorn would buy it.

"Oh, sir, I'm so sorry. It's just, um...it's just that when I was leaving dinner I got an owl. My mother's very ill you see, so I went up to the Owlery to send her a letter and a package. A personal item," He added, so as to avoid question about what the package was. He did not dare look Slughorn in the eye.

"That's all very well Severus, but wandering around school unaccompanied after dark is well outside the boundaries of a student whether he has an excuse or not. I'm afraid I will have to punish you," Slughorn said sternly.

Slughorn looked more puffy than usual, his large belly sticking out as his silk green robes streamed out over it. He wore green night slippers and a green night cap to match. Clearly a well pampered man.

_Is he really that thick? As if I'd be in the Owlery for more than 30 minutes._

"And I accept that Professor. But for the time being, I'd really like to go to bed. It's been a stressful day with exams and now my mother..." Sev trailed off tipping his head down a bit to enhance the act.

Slughorn looked him over uncertain whether or not to let Severus go, but he gave a resigned look and nodded his consent.

"But please see me at breakfast tomorrow Severus, I only noticed your absence because I needed to speak with you. We will also discuss your punishment."

"Of course, sir."

Sev bowed his head slightly towards Slughorn, and then walked past him to his dormitory, ignoring the onlookers who had been listening in.

On the other side of the fifth year dormitory door, all was quiet. The four other four-posters owned by his roommates seemed occupied, all curtains being drawn.

_All the better for me_, thought Sev gladly.

He opened his trunk, placed the miniature box of fireworks in it and pulled out his pyjamas. He jumped into bed, drew the curtains and changed. He threw his day clothes through the curtains. Before settling, he rearranged the curtains so they concealed him completely and cast the protective charms he had used the night before. He lay down on his back.

_Today has been a crazy day. I'm lucky Slughorn's a pushover._

Sev had been unusually lucky today. He had made friends with two of Lily's best friends; he'd confidently completed both Transfiguration exams; he'd encountered the Marauders and had come out of it with all items of clothing still on; he had completed both of his difficult plans without being caught out by Filch; and he had not been attacked by Mulciber or Avery.

_Why was that? Where have they been? I'd have thought I'd already have my flesh ripped clean off and hung off the Quidditch goal posts by now._

He savoured the fact that he was alive and moved on to his next bugging thought.

_Lily._

She had saved him a moment of mortification. She had performed _Langlock_ to get his attention. Why did she do it? Wasn't she supposed to be ignoring him? Not bothering with his existence anymore? She could have let him become victim to the marauding Marauders. She didn't. Plus, she had actually acknowledged his presence today. And hardly in anger either; almost all times he saw her, she'd had an unrecognisable expression on her face. He couldn't pin down what the looks meant. His train of thought took a turn.

_She's so beautiful,_ he thought, remembering her blank stare from the marble staircase just before lunch time. Green eyes piercing into his black ones.

He was suffering.

_I can't. I can't. Even if I do make amends with her, I can't just be friends._

He feared his heart was about to explode, it pounded so hard. He wondered how she had taken his display earlier. He had destroyed all of his Dark Arts books, hoping she would realise that he was giving up on them. For her. He had also stolen fireworks from Filch's office just to convey how much he cared about her as well as risking his hide lingering outside the castle after dark. He did it in front of all of Gryffindor too. That had to mean something to her. It meant a hell of a lot to him. All he wanted to do was talk to her. Small chat. Nothing heavy. He just wanted her to look at him like a friend, with the concern and caring she showed to everyone. He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, something he'd never done before. He wanted to look at her like more than a friend and have her understand. But she deserved something more than him. He had never shown her the same care she had for him. Even though he probably cared about her more than she did about him. He cared about her more than he cared about his own life. But he was Severus Snape. He didn't wear his heart on his sleeve. He didn't know if he could do it even now.

Unexpectedly, a tear rolled down his cheek.  
_  
I'm not good enough for her, that's what it is._

He was not handsome, or physically talented like James Potter or Sirius Black was. He was scared to show public displays of affection, of weakness. He was stereotyped into a house of Death Eaters. Lily didn't want that. A second tear and a third came tumbling down.

_I know I'm not good enough for you Lily, but please forgive me._

Sev closed his eyes.  
_  
I need you with me Lily Evans.  
_  
Sev slipped into a happy dream. He and Lily were relaxing at the tree by the lake which they'd claimed since second year. They both lay on the grass, facing one another with arms wrapped around each other. It was warm and they just looked into each other's eyes, foreheads pressed together. Sev felt so content. It was so warm around them. They were like that for hours, never-ending days, never-ending years.

Sev woke up very early in the morning, clinging to the bittersweet dream. He could only hope that that would ever happen. He just lay down in his bed with his eyes closed, trying to replay the scene.  
_  
This is it. This is the goal. This is what I want when I fix things with Lily.  
_  
Deciding it was time he got up, he pulled open the curtains and looked into the others' beds. All four boys were still asleep. Sev picked up his washed robes and decided to head to the showers. As he quietly shut the door behind him, Sev crossed the empty common room and left. Turning right and travelling further along the corridor, he reached two doors side-by-side. The first was the male bathroom and was the one Sev entered.

The bathroom was fairly large. It was decorated with emerald green wall hangings, metal sinks and mirrors in the centre of the room attached to a thick circular pillar. On the left were two rows of shower cubicles, the doors also painted the same tone of green as the wall hangings. The right wall was covered by black cupboards with silver metal handles. He hung his robes over the edge of a shower cubicle door and found his feet moving towards the cupboards. He pulled one open and found stacks of white square soaps. He took one in his hand and shut the door. He opened the second cupboard and found green towels. He slung one over his shoulder and closed the cupboard door. He moved along to the cupboard on the right and pulled it open. There were rows upon rows of white mini shampoos and conditioners, contained in small crystal bottles. This was the first time Sev had ever seen them.

_They don't look like potions, that's how I always imagined them to be. The consistency is different, it's thicker. Creamy._

Sev took one of each in the one hand and kicked the door shut. He headed over to one of the shower cubicles. Locking the door behind him, he shed his pyjamas and hung them on the hook supplied on the back of the door. He turned a silver knob and cold water spurted out of the shower head. Sev jumped back at skin contact. It was freezing. He ran his hand under the water and shivered. He turned the next knob and hot water mixed with the cold, creating the right temperature. It felt amazing on his skin. He hopped under the shower of water and just stood there, head tilted back.

_No wonder people like this so much.  
_  
Back at Spinner's End, the Snapes didn't get much hot water, so Sev never took to a shower much.  
He picked up the soap and looked at it, observing it. As he turned it around in his hand, bubbles started to form on it, lathering up.

_Well that's doing something_, he thought.

Testing out his idea, he rubbed the soap on his arm and the soap began to lather even more. Realising what he had to do, he covered himself in the soap and cleansed himself under the water. He felt incredible. And smelt that way too. Now was the time for shampoo and conditioner.

_Well obviously the stuff's for your hair,_ he thought, _but how do I use it?_

He picked up the bottle of shampoo and read the back. _WENDY'S WIZARD SHAMPOO: Leave your hair feeling smooth and silky with this washing wonder! Use with conditioner and sustains cleanliness for 4 days.  
DIRECTIONS: Massage into roots and ends for 30 seconds and rinse out completely._

He uncorked the shampoo bottle and shook a clump of shampoo onto his hand. Not feeling there was enough, he shook the bottle until half of it was in his hand, then rubbed it into his other hand. Following the directions, he tentatively brought both hands to his head and smoothed them over his head. He laced his fingers into his greasy hair and pulled at the ends, repeating the process over and over. Afterwards, he stood out of the water and waited for 30 seconds is indicated by the bottle, then gladly hopped back under the warm water. His hands ruffled up his hair to get the shampoo out. Figuring it out for himself, he took the conditioner and did the same exact same thing as he had with the shampoo.  
With nothing left to do in the shower, Sev turned off both taps regretfully and snatched the towel off the cubicle top. He wiped himself and dried off his hair, then put on his day robes. He felt remarkable. He stepped out, leaving all the toiletries in the shower for the house elves to collect and went to the long mirror situated on the back wall. He observed himself, wide-eyed.  
_  
That's not me._

He was practically glowing. His pale skin was no longer pallid, but glowed white. He looked clean. His hair? Wow. It wasn't even him, it was still a bit dishevelled from drying it with the towel, but you could still discern the lack of grease and subtle shine that it emitted.  
_  
Hmm, I need to fix my hair._

He headed back towards the supplies cupboard and pulled open a fourth door. There was what he needed. Hair brushes. He grabbed one out, shut the door and spun around back towards the mirror. Following his reflection, he brought the brush to the base of his head with his right hand and touched it there. Slowly, he ran it down through his hair, and it slid through with remarkable ease. He continued this all around his head. He found that rather than hanging straight down, his hair fanned out the tiniest bit, making him look better cared for and less gloomy. It looked silky.

_I guess Wendy's Wizard shampoo and conditioner works._

Two eyes had appeared in the mirror. He spun around frantically and saw one of his roommates Jeremy McNabb, looking at him confusedly.

"Snape? What happened to..." he gestured to Sev's whole body.

Sev just gave a laugh and said, "Freaky, isn't it?"

McNabb gave him a vague nod. "Yeah...er...you look...healthy."

"I feel healthy."

There was an uncomfortable silence which followed the comment.

"Well, see ya Jeremy."

McNabb stood in stunned silence as Sev passed him and left the room.

Sev was up and ready extremely early, it was only six. He decided he was ready to eat and drink something for breakfast, his mouth dry and his stomach rumbling. The Entrance Hall was absolutely empty and he expected that the Great Hall would be the same. Breakfast always filled up at six so he was safe to enter. The thought that the hall would be empty was immediately contradicted. A melancholic face looked up from Gryffindor table at his entrance and instantly averted it's gaze, but it looked back at him again for two seconds, then resumed its former position. The curtain of red hair rested on her shoulder and Sev, unable to disconnect his gaze moved his feet unconsciously to the Slytherin table. Once he realised his head was attempting a 360 degree turn, he snapped his head back in the direction he was heading and sat quietly with his back to her.

_Lily got up early too. She didn't bother to wait for her friends.  
_  
The Gryffindor fifth year girls always banded together, it was a rarity to catch any one of them alone. The silence roared at the pair of them, echoing terribly. Sev picked up an apple and took a bite. The crunching sound rang out through the hall. He was uncomfortably self-conscious and put the apple slowly down on his plate. He was also aware of the fact that he was alone in a quiet room with Lily. He concentrated hard on hearing the sound of her breathing, but found it wasn't hard to pick up. She was breathing heavily and unevenly. He turned to look at her, her face was reddening. 

He didn't know what made him do it, but he said, "Lily...are you okay?"

-

Lily's heart felt like it had left her body when she heard Severus say her name. Her pulse quickened as well as her breath. A sudden fury swept through her like she couldn't believe. She ignored Severus and tried the best she could to hide her tears.

"Lily, are you okay?" Severus repeated, concern fogging his voice. His chair scraped along the ground as he stood up.

"Piss off Snape," her quiet mutter echoed through the hall.

"Lily-"

"I said SOD OFF SEVERUS!" She yelled, infuriated, never making eye contact with Severus.

_It's your fault, it's your fault._

Upon hearing the yell, Severus backed down once more and sat, speechless, and picked his apple back up.  
_  
Lily is acting like she's depressed.  
_  
The next minute or two was tense and no further acknowledgment of one another was made. The hall's doors opened and in came McNabb, obviously having finished his morning routine. To his surprise, Severus found McNabb by his side. He seemed completely unaware of the silent intensity within the hall and spoke.

"Mate, what's been happening lately?"

"Er..." Severus did not know how to answer the question. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Mulciber's said that you've been pretty out of it you know. Said you've been out of line. Changing, you know. And I can already see that," he looked Sev up and down.

Severus pondered this for a moment. If Mulciber could see it and he hadn't even been near him, Lily must. She could probably hear the conversation right now.

"Well, yeah, I have."

Sev expected some kind of censure from him, about all the things Mulciber had told him, perhaps that he wasn't staying true to the Slytherin way, that he wasn't following the right path. But McNabb managed to shock him even more.

"I like it."

"...What?"

"I like it. You're taking initiative. Looking after yourself. Being your own wizard. Not every Slytherin has to become a Death Eater you know, no matter how much Mulciber and Avery try to bully you into it.'

"You don't want to become a Death Eater? But, you always seemed-"

"I always seemed so up for it? Yeah, well, I'm not. I couldn't care less about working for the Dark Lord," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "Just between us, I really want to work for the Ministry, Department for the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures, Beast Division." He gave a thoughtful smile on his heart-shaped face. "And being a Death Eater isn't going to help me on my way."

Sev simply could not believe it. He was stunned, frozen with shock.

"So...so Mulciber has been forcing you into claiming Death Eatership?"

"Yeah, but don't tell him. I'll be screwed. I'm not supposed to be talking to you, he told us not to. He wants to kill you, you know." He said this with incredible nonchalance.

"I'd expect as much," Sev muttered, "But I'm avoiding him as best as I can, and either way, it doesn't matter much to me."

"What made you change anyway?"

Sev hesitated and wasn't sure he should answer, but decided to trust him. He'd be the only other Slytherin who wasn't interested in involving himself in Dark magic, and deserved his trust. Inconspicuously pulling out his wand, Sev cast non-verbal _Muffliato_ around the two of them. He brought his voice right down to a whisper just incase and leaned right in to McNabb who imitated the action. "Lily Evans."

"What? The Mudblo-"

Sev slapped him on the arm.

"Ouch! What the hell was that for?"

"If you're going to talk me, you have to promise me that you'll never say that word again," Sev whispered turbulently.

"Why? It's just a word-"

"Don't bloody tell me it's just a word." Passion was evident in his voice. Sev could feel a tear approaching, his eyes swelling. "Swear to me you won't say it."

McNabb saw his eyes watering slightly and said, "Okay, whatever mate! I swear!"

There was a brief silence, but McNabb was the first to end it.

"You like her."

Sev nodded silently.

There was more silence, and once more McNabb broke it.

"Mate, so I was thinking, d'you think I could hang around with you from now on? Beats being pushed around by Mulciber, the brute," he finished bitterly.

"Yeah, okay, beats hanging around the dormitory alone. Rather know I'd have company that I can hide behind when I get attacked,' he added with a grin.

McNabb laughed, "Yeah, sure mate, me who probably failed his Defence OWL. I know I should be good at the subject, but I'm lousy at spells, 'specially Charms."

Sev and McNabb broke into an animated conversation about the OWLs, discussing where they went right, where they went wrong, how they think other people they knew went; all the while the Great Hall began to fill up with students from all houses. The pair hardly noticed Mulciber and Avery enter. The two had shot them a look of enmity, but ignored them otherwise and sat themselves as distantly as possible from them.

Sooner or later, Sev and McNabb had lost fuel for conversation and Sev decided to go inform Alice of the details of their planned study session. Alice was sitting closest to him and Lily furthest, next to Mary McDonald. She made no sign of recognising his presence.

"Good morning," he greeted.

"Morning, Severus," she replied with a happy smile.

"I just wanted to tell you that Professor Slughorn's given us permission to work together in the Potions classroom. He said he trusts enough not to need any supervision, so we'll be working alone."  
_  
Well he trusts me,_ but the thought was put out of his mind when he saw Lily flinch wildly as he'd finished his words.

"Great! So I guess you'll just want me to bring ingredients and my cauldron and what not?"

"Yeah," he replied in a distant voice, still thinking about Lily's flinch, "That's pretty much it really, and don't forget your textbook."

"Course," Alice said to Sev, but at that moment, Frank Longbottom came over to where they were and stood by Alice with a hand on Alice's shoulder. He held out a hand towards Sev and Sev took it.

"Frank Longbottom," he said with surprising geniality, "Alice told me about you helping her in Potions. Thanks for helping her out, I'd do it myself but I'm not much of a wiz at the subject, so I'm glad you're doing it."

"Oh, well, there's no problem, I mean," Sev felt awkward. He was talking to Alice's boyfriend about giving her private tutoring lessons. "Er, you can join us if you want..."

"Nah I'm right mate, I'd just be a distraction, and also, no need to seem so uncomfortable, I don't mind you with her alone, I trust you enough to do the right thing," he added with amusement.

Sev instantly relaxed and eased out of his awkwardness.

"Thanks, for trusting me," he said with his kindest smile, "Well I'll see you at break Alice, good to speak to you, Frank."

Frank nodded in response and gave a wave as Sev walked away.

_Now to meet Slughorn._

He walked to the right end of the staff table where Slughorn sat alone, tucked into what appeared to be a big breakfast.

"Professor, you wanted me to see you?"

"Ah, yes, Severus," Slughorn said while putting down his fork and knife, "Well, let's get down to the more unpleasant business: your detention."

Sev nodded.

"Well I thought it would be fair punishment if you help me organise all the Potions ingredients in my storage cupboard, Sunday night and then every Sunday for as long as it takes?"

Sev nodded once more.

"Well, that's settled, now I wanted to talk to you about something. When you asked me about helping Alice with her Potions-"

_Oh no_, Sev thought, _he's going to say we can't do it or something.  
_  
"I thought that it was a great idea! You're starting to gain great leadership skills, young man! Finally making an example of yourself and all your skills to your peers, I've been waiting for you to do it for years. Well, I decided that I would like you to join the Slug Club. There is a meeting tonight in my office during dinner, so please come along. You may go now if you please."

Sev was stunned. He had never been invited to the Slug Club in all the time Slughorn knew he was top in Potions. He was simply the boy that Slughorn knew had talent, but had never thrived as a personality. And now he was one of them.

"Sir, th-thank you, thank you so much!" Sev stuttered out slightly.

"Oh it's my pleasure m'boy, my pleasure. Oh, by the way," he began when Sev started to turn to leave, "you look like you're very well today Severus, your hair is looking quite nice," Slughorn chuckled.

A tiny blush made its way onto Sev's face and he uttered one last "Thank you, Professor" and walked away.

_Well I still haven't got my stuff for today so better do that,_ he thought, a blush still hanging on his face

He hurried back to Slytherin, thinking about the Slug Club.  
_  
Lily is a part of it.  
_  
-

"I said SOD OFF SEVERUS!" She yelled, infuriated, never making eye contact with Severus.

_It's your fault, it's your fault._

Lily wanted to cry. She wanted to cry hard, something she'd been doing often and most uncharacteristically lately. She didn't know why it was every time she saw him that tears sparked at the corners of her eyes. Ever since last night, she wasn't really sure how she felt. And seeing him this morning, he looked so _different_; he looked, though she didn't want to admit it to herself, compellingly attractive. She didn't want to take her eyes off of him when he had entered, but she forced herself too. She stole a glance while she heard him take another bite of his apple. The pale skin on his neck peeked out from his black robes and hair, which had parted at the back slightly. A lovely contrast. His skin had lost a bit of its pallidness and she didn't stop looking until she heard footsteps approaching the hall once more. The person walked over to where Sev was and sat next to him.

"Mate, what's been happening lately?" She heard the unknown person say.

"Er..." Severus hesitated, "What do you mean?

"Well, Mulciber's said that you've been pretty out of it you know. Said you've been out of line. Changing, you know. And I can already see that," she saw him look Sev up and down, something she wanted to do herself. Sev paused for a moment.

"Well, yeah, I have."

Lily was startled at the words coming from the second Slytherin's mouth.

"I like it."

Apparently Sev was too.

"...What?"

"I like it. You're taking initiative. Looking after yourself. Being your own wizard. Not every Slytherin has to become a Death Eater you know, no matter how much Mulciber and Avery try to bully you into it.'

"You don't want to become a death eater? But, you always seemed-"

"I always seemed so up for it? Yeah, well, I'm not. I couldn't care less about working for the Dark Lord," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "Just between us, I really want to work for the Ministry, Department for the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures, Beast Division. And being a Death Eater isn't going to help me on my way."

The whisper echoed in the hall still, something which the pair of boys had not noticed.

"So...so Mulciber has been forcing you into claiming Death Eatership?"

"Yeah, but don't tell him. I'll be screwed. . I'm not supposed to be talking to you, he told us not to. He wants to kill you, you know." Lily flinched at the idea.

"I'd expect as much," Sev muttered, "But I'm avoiding him as best as I can, and either way, it doesn't matter much to me."

"What made you change anyway?"

Lily waited eagerly for a couple of seconds for Sev's answer, but when his mouth had started moving, all she could hear was buzzing.

Muffliato. _Yeah, okay, fine, so there's shit he doesn't want me to know, that's alright with me._

But the thought was digging at her chest, she knew she was the only one he had ever confided any secrets with, and now it seemed like he was keeping all of them from her. Her limbs tensed and her brain was in the fodder. She picked at her food abstractedly and hardly noticed more Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs and Slytherins joining the hall until her dorm friends joined her and all greeted her good morning. She greeted them collectively with a half-hearted and wistful "Good morning" and kept her eyes fixed upon her hardly touched plate of food. Her mood was immediately recognized by her friends and they broke into an idle conversation, trying to avoid looking at her. After ten minutes or so of pensive ignorance towards her surroundings, she heard a voice which she had heard much earlier in the morning.

"Good morning," she heard Sev say.

"Morning, Severus," Alice replied with a cheery tone.

"I just wanted to tell you that Professor Slughorn's given us permission to work together in the Potions classroom. He said he trusts enough not to need any supervision, so we'll be working alone."

The last word caused Lily to flinch involuntarily. She maintained her lowered gaze and hoped Severus hadn't noticed. She didn't know what had caused it, but her insides boiled.

"Great! So I guess you'll just want me to bring ingredients and my cauldron and what not?"

"Yeah," he replied in a distant voice, "That's pretty much it really, and don't forget your textbook."

"Course," Alice said to Sev. At that moment, Frank Longbottom came over and stood by Alice, a hand on her shoulder, then outstretching one to Sev. Sev shook it.

"Frank Longbottom," Frank said with amiability, "Alice told me about you helping her in Potions. Thanks for helping her out, I'd do it myself but I'm not much of a wiz at the subject, so I'm glad you're doing it."

"Oh, well, there's no problem, I mean..." The awkwardness in Sev's voice was blatant. "Er, you can join us if you want..."

"Nah I'm right mate, I'd just be a distraction, and also, no need to seem so uncomfortable, I don't mind you with her alone, I trust you enough to do the right thing," Frank added with amusement.

"Thanks, for trusting me," He said with his kindest smile, "Well I'll see you at break Alice, good to speak to you, Frank."

Lily heard his footsteps diminishing and when he'd gone completely, Frank said, "I never knew he was such a nice bloke, he wanted to make sure it didn't seem like he wasn't imposing in our relationship and everything."

This fact comforted Lily a bit. This meant he wasn't interested in Alice. She played around with her food once more until the hall was forcibly emptied of students to be set up for exams.


	4. Chapter 4

Yeah, this is one of the shorter chapters, but I've been real busy lately, we're moving houses see, so yeah. I had to scratch out an entire bit because I thought it came in too early so this chapter isn't as good as it might have been. Nevertheless, please enjoy :)

Sev had completed his Ancient Runes exam right on the word 'stop'. It wasn't one of the easier exams but he had answered each question to his best ability, which was good enough for him. Sev noticed Mulciber dashing out of the hall, trying to avoid the congestion and getting out of the door first. As the rest of the students shuffled out of the hall, Sev impatiently tried to find his bag amongst the others. Recovering it, he headed straight to the Potions classroom for his study session with Alice. He pushed the door open and plonked his things onto a desk nearest the centre of the room. A cauldron, many potions ingredients, a stirring stick and his potion-making textbook were eventually set up on one side of the desk. He could have sworn that in the middle of his set up that he'd heard the clearing of a throat and looked to the door to see if someone was there. No one was and he assumed that someone passing the classroom had done it. By the time he had completed setting up, Alice had walked in with her apology.

"Sorry I'm late, you know how everyone gets after exams, all frantic and chatty."

"No problem, I've already set up so you can take your time with your own things and I'll just wait."

Alice got straight to work and took out her things, setting them up to her preference. Sev sat quietly, watching her and when she had finished, he stood up and began.

"Okay so I think we should work on the Draught of Peace; I'm pretty sure that'll be the practical task, but even if it isn't it's still good for practising your technique when handling ingredients and stirring."

Alice nodded.

"So first, let's light a small fire beneath our cauldrons and fill them halfway with water. _Incendio. Aguamenti_."

Alice gave a confused look at him and then took her gaze to her textbook.

"Er, but it says fill it one quarter of the way with water..."

"It says one quarter but when the water starts to evaporate and you add the shrivelfig, the potion becomes too thick with that little water. Here, you should probably use my textbook and take some notes."

He pushed his textbook over to her and she stared at it bewildered.

"How do you read this? There's writing all over it!"

"That's the point. Read what's been written in, not the textbook method."

As they carried on with Alice trying to distinguish word from word, letter from letter and Sev working at her pace, things began to move along. Sev didn't want to tell her but he found the slowness of the process extremely tedious. He didn't know anyone could be so inept at Potions. She was finding it easier to read the handwriting with every minute and they started to chat while working.

"So what's it like in Slytherin?" Alice asked innocently.

"Ah, well, it's okay. I mean, it's cold," he said with a grin. Alice smiled too, but uncertainly began to push her point.

"Well, I mean, the people."

Sev knew what she was getting at.

"I know what you're thinking. Why is it that we all seem...well, evil?"

"That's not what I meant-" she tried to amend, but Sev cut her off.

"No, no, it's okay. Not everyone in Slytherin is evil, but they're not all wonderful rays of sunshine either. I didn't really know the difference between good and bad because of the people I hung around. They want to be...something I've realised I'm not because of certain…epiphanies of late. But I've found a friend from my house who is like me, so at least I have some company for comfort."

"What helped you realise you didn't want to be...like that?"

Sev didn't know why, but he trusted Alice and decided to tell her.

"Please don't tell anyone. Can I trust you enough to keep a secret?" He wanted her reassurance.

"Of course," Alice said quietly, as if she was telling a secret herself.

"Well, after Lily and I had our...er..."

"I know what you mean, go on."

"Well, after that, I decided that, well that I already needed her back. And the only way I'd get her back was changing myself. You saw the fireworks, right?"

"Yeah, I did! They were amazing, I'm happy to know that I was a part of that," she beamed.

"Yeah, but, ultimately, it's because, well...because I-I…I love...her." Expressing his emotions was an uncomfortable and frightening feat.

Alice paused with a blank expression on her face, and then said in a disappointed tone, "That was your big secret?"

Sev was astounded at her lack of disgust, or disbelief or surprise.

"Well, yeah it was."

"Severus, that's not much of a secret. Just about everyone knows that, the only one too ignorant not to know is Lily. You don't exactly make your interest in her subtle. Don't you wonder why James Potter is on your case all the time? You're a threat. He's _jealous_ of you. He knows Lily would choose you over him any day. Or she would have. In any case, I think she still would, no matter how many times she denies it."

Sev was trying to absorb all this information while coming up with a response to Alice.

"But Potter's loathed me since we met on the train, before we even got to school!"

"But it intensified in third year, didn't it?"

When he thought about it, Sev realised that it was really just verbal conflict which occurred between the two rivals until third year. Third year is when the hexing began; it was also the time in which James Potter had grown his crush on Lily.

"But...but she hates me now."

"I wouldn't say so."

Sev looked up hopefully.

"What makes you say that?"

"You didn't see her after you guys had your falling out. Nor did you see her after your fireworks display. Nor did you see her at breakfast this morning."

"Well, yeah I did but that doesn't matter, what's she been acting like then?" Sev couldn't help but think about the shakes and shudders which Lily had tried to conceal in the early morning.

"Like she's been depressed ever since she stopped talking to you. She's in tears every two seconds, but when she's not she's in total denial. She's trying to convince herself that she doesn't miss you, but you making the effort for her has made it a million times harder for her. I think she's trying to pretend that you're doing all this to get revenge or something or make her regret what she did, but secretly I think she knows that you do have good in you." Alice smiled kindly at Sev, understanding written all over her face.

"But I'm not trying to get revenge or whatever! I don't want to hurt her anymore, I don't-"

"Severus," Alice took his hand reassuringly, "I know. It's okay, I believe you."

Sev looked at her hand and felt like crying.

"I'm sorry," he said more to himself and a hypothetical Lily sitting next to him than to Alice.

"Oh, she'll come around I'll bet you. She's gotta give in soon. Now, how many times do I stir this anticlockwise? I can't really read it..." At this she withdrew her hand and averted her gaze to the messy textbook.

The rest of their session was spent in silence on Sev's part except for when he had to tell Alice how to cut, slice, grate, crush, or stir something. Either way he was feeling rather reticent, but was excused by Alice's empathetic understanding.

It had been around an hour and a half, the normal period of an actual Potions class and they were just about done.

"Wow! Severus, my potion is actually snow white," she said disbelievingly, "I owe you so much!"

"You owe me nothing, this is to pay you back for your help yesterday," Sev said abashed.

"Well, I guess we're even," she grinned, "We better go get something to eat otherwise we won't survive the afternoon."

After they had bottled a sample of each of their potions and cleaned up everything else, they headed to the Great Hall together and before they split and exchanged goodbyes, Alice said cheerily, "By the way, I like your new look, I'm sure Lily's impressed."

She gave a wave and slipped away to the Gryffindor dining table. Sev stood there, his eyes transfixed upon some unknown particle of dust hanging midair. He wasn't aware of this until McNabb hailed Sev over to his side of the table. He still felt hypnotized. Could it be possible that the second glance from earlier that morning which Lily had spared him have been to check him out? He sat and ate his lunch, abstracted, with Mulciber and Avery nowhere to be seen.

Night was falling, which meant Slughorn's party was imminent. He decided to have an afternoon shower and took another trip to the Slytherin bathroom.  
He prepared himself as he went back to his dorm, all freshened up. He'd have loved to enter the gathering in fancy dress robes, or perhaps nice Muggle clothing, but seeing as he possessed neither, he was forced to try and look as fancy as he could in his normal school robes. Maybe he would be able to prepossess the party goers with his new dermatological look and washed hair. He left with nothing but his wand in his pocket. The short trip to Slughorn's office was favourable, as opposed to a long nervous walk past the Entrance Hall where everyone would be comfortably enjoying themselves. He knocked twice on Slughorn's office door and entered, only to be revved up to an empty room, bar Slughorn.

"Hi, Professor," Sev said, hiding his relief. The last thing he had wanted was to walk into a room full of talented people and have each and every one of them staring at him.

"Severus, m'boy! Excellent, at least someone is prompt with their arrival! I was beginning to think that no one was coming..."

"Sir, it's only just past six-thirty."

"Yes, well, there's that too..."

Someone else entered the room without warning and Sev turned to identify the person. He recognised him as a 7th year Ravenclaw boy who he knew to be the current Head Boy.

"Good evening, Professor," he said in a smooth voice, pacing over to Slughorn to give him a firm hand shake. He turned to look at Sev.

"Ah, a new addition to our humble group?" He asked both Slughorn and Severus.

_Humble my Whizzing Whizzbee by the look of you,_ Sev thought, immediately picking up the pompous demeanour which the school leader exemplified.

Slughorn put a hand on Sev's shoulder unexpectedly which made Sev jump a little, eliciting a small chuckle from both Slughorn and the Head Boy.

"Why yes, William, this here is Mr Severus Snape of Slytherin house. Severus, this is William Denson, Hogwarts' Head Boy, as you are very well aware."

Denson held out a strong hand accompanied with a charming lopsided grin. Sev took it with a chilly, "Nice to meet you."

Denson chuckled once more.

"I like this kid."

_I'm only two years younger than you, you fool. Probably less. And obviously you haven't picked up the fact that I don't like you. This guy is worse than Potter._

Denson made his way to the round table prepared in the middle of the office and took a seat. Sev intended to do the same until more guests had entered and Slughorn forcibly introduced him individually to each and every one of them. Fortunately, no one seemed to have paid attention to his attire, though they all wore exquisite and handsome dress robes. Lily still hadn't shown up and more than three-quarters of the table had been filled. He worried that the cause of her absence was him, even though he was sure that she didn't know he was now part of the Slug Club. A few minutes passed and all seats had now been filled, except for the one on his right.  
He began to worry again that her absence was something to do with Mulciber and Avery, but the thought was lost when Slughorn began to speak.

"Just one short, Lily it is, I wonder what she is up to? Has anyone spotted the girl today?"

No one nodded or gave any prompting of any kind which indicated that they had knowledge of her whereabouts any time in the day. This triggered a terrible anxiety within Sev once again, but he disregarded it once more as Slughorn began in a bellow, "Welcome, my young prodigies! Another night, another excellent meeting! I am sure I have introduced you all to Mr Snape, but I feel I should tell you how he has earned his place in our exclusive little group!"

He gave Sev a wink and then began.

"Well, Mr Snape here has always been quite the little Potions wiz, perhaps the most skilled Potioneer I've seen in my life at this school, including seventh years!"

In Sev's opinion, Slughorn's enthusiasm was sickeningly excessive, but all other members of the table smiled at him encouragingly.

"But then why did he not join us earlier, you may ask? Well, Severus here has always displayed his full academic ability, but has always concealed the true character I know lies within him. He, I know, has the capacity for great passion and a keen spirit for leading those who must be lead and teaching those who must be taught. Now, a couple of days ago, he finally burst from his shell and revealed his true potential as a teacher among his peers. He now has taken it under his own initiative to help students in their studies - which of course is very important - and is making interhouse relationships! It is always important to take that brave step outside of your comfort zone, as we do here, no matter how comfortable it is!" He wagged a finger and eyed all of them, as if he was a mother telling a young child not to touch the china.

"But let's not dawdle with my lectures, no matter how wise and informative they may be," His high spirits almost raised the roof and he chuckled, "Let's tuck into a fine meal!" He clapped his hands twice and a variety of foods including roasted pheasant, potatoes, various salads and plenty other dishes filled the round table. People started to fork all kinds of food onto their plates whilst springing into animated conversation with their neighbours. No one took the time to talk to Sev, but he wasn't that bothered about it. He could only think of Lily: why wasn't she there? Was it because of him? If so, how did she find out that he was part of the Slug Club? Sev took some potatoes onto his fork and dropped them onto his plate, although he wasn't very hungry. Just to have something to do, he ate.  
Some very many potatoes and leaves of lettuce later, Slughorn came round to his side and leaned over his shoulder.

"Enjoying the dinner party, m'boy?"

"Yes," Sev lied with a superficial smile.

"Excellent, excellent...Lily wasn't with you at all today, was she?"

"Uh, no Professor," He felt he needed to be honest at this point, "We don't really talk to each other anymore."

Slughorn's good mood deflated visibly. "What? When did this happen? You're best friends!"

"Not anymore, sir, not anymore," Sev said wistfully.

"Now this will not do! The next Slug Club meeting we have will be next week, Saturday. I expect both of you will be here and if either of you has an excuse for not attending I will make haste to change the date until I find one which suits you both!" Slughorn said, completely stubborn. "And during that meeting, you are going to work to get rid of any bad feelings between the two of you!"

He managed to make it sound like it was entirely Sev's fault. Not surprising since Lily was the image of perfection and Slughorn's favourite collection.

"Yes, thank you, sir, but see, it's Lily who's not talking to me actually," Sev said a bit annoyed, "But I am all too willing to try and patch things up."

Slughorn's attitude towards Sev lightened up a smidgeon.

"Very well, until next week," Slughorn gave Sev a clap on the back and turned to the rest of the room, "You all better leave now, can't be out of bed too late, or it's myself to blame! Goodnight!"

Everyone shook Slughorn's hand goodbye but Sev ignored this, then left, grateful to be out of there and that his dormitory was only some few metres away. He walked passively through the portrait hole after providing the password, ignoring everyone in the common room and then straight to his dorm. For the first time in a couple of nights, Mulciber and Avery were awake and in the dorm. They were about to get into bed. Sev caught Mulciber's eye and the two shared a glare full of contempt. Sev paused at the door.

"Have fun at the 'Slug Club', Snivellus?" Mulciber sneered.

"'Snivellus' am I now? How do you know about that...Where the hell is Lily?" Sev asked furiously.

"Oh, she's up in Gryffindor tower I'm sure, as any Gryffindor would be," He was beginning to draw his curtains, "I haven't touched the _mudblood_, so stop being so paranoid, mudblood lover. I'm tired so shut up and have a crappy night." Sev lost sight of Mulciber and didn't bother to pursue the conversation. It wouldn't have gotten anywhere that wasn't ambiguous anyway.

Sev followed his usual nightly ritual and lay down on his back afterwards. His mind buzzed with all Alice had said about him and Lily, how everyone knew he loved her, how she possibly loved him...  
_  
Well not anymore._

But she still could have once, which meant he could bring back those feelings if they were there. Hopefully she would realise that Sev was trying to be honest with her.

And then there was what Mulciber had just said. He knew about the Slug Club. How? Did that mean that Lily knew too? Was she purposefully avoiding him, so much that she was even skipping out on dinners with all the esteemed students of Hogwarts? Something about Mulciber's air didn't feel right. He had seemed...victorious. It was uncomfortably disconcerting for Sev. But she would have to go to the next meeting. Slughorn would make sure of it, not to mention he would ensure that they spoke. It was nerve-wracking yet exciting for Sev and he didn't really want to wait that long, but he would all the same.

_No exams tomorrow, I mean because that's my biggest concern at the moment, _he thought sarcastically.

Everything seemed pointless now when it came down to it. It was only the one person who he was fighting for who was holding his world together. Tomorrow he would have free time and no doubt he would run into the Marauders at some point, but he would hang around McNabb so that he didn't have to go through it alone. It was good to have a bloke there with him to confide in. Sev broke straight into sleep, exhausted from the day and dreamed of mixed up images, none in which he could distinguish.

Lily Evans was torn into pieces. And not just because of her sudden break up with her best friend which she had caused, but because she wasn't sure about whether she should trust the new man which he was convincing her that he was becoming, or his evil Slytherin friend, Mulciber. Lily was supposed to be in Slughorn's office, chatting away, but Mulciber had told her something which made her so reluctant to go that she had resigned completely and now lay in her bed, while everyone was engorging on dinner.

"Oi, Evans!" He had yelled, similarly to how James Potter would, while she was relaxing alone next to her favourite tree by the lake. She had looked up with a hard expression, expecting to see Potter, but something more like fear flashed in her eyes when she realised who was approaching as she swiftly rearranged her face.

"Mulciber, what do you want?" She said bitterly.

"Oh, I want nothing but to tell you that your little Snivellus is going to your Slug Club meeting tonight. You know why right?"

Lily at first wondered why Mulciber was behaving so similarly to Potter, but her intrigue interrupted the thought.

"No, I don't. Spit it out. Why then?"

"Isn't it obvious? He's trying to make you look bad. You know what he was telling me the other night? He's trying to get back at you at whatever cost because of what you did to him. And he wants to do it by making you want him, and then rejecting you in front of everyone. He's using all the people you know, d'you know that? All your Gryffindor friends-"

"No way, even he wouldn't do that. He's not that-"

"Oh, you don't know what he's capable of. He'd do it if he had to. He mixes in the Dark Arts-"

"He's given up on them. He burnt the books. He showed me-'

"How do you know there aren't more? Just because he burns a couple of books doesn't mean he's quit."

Lily hadn't considered this, but now that she listened to Mulciber, she wasn't sure whether Sev's actions really had a positive motive. He had lied to her in the past and they weren't even friends now, he could do it again.

"Think about it, Evans. He's screwing you over."

"And why the hell would you be telling me this?" Lily retorted, biting back some tears.

"Because that's what I do. I have my own ambitions and if screwing my own roommate over is a necessity to achieve them, then bloody hell I will."

"So then what are your ambitions?"

"Like hell I would tell you," Mulciber sneered and then walked away.

Since then, Lily had been in her dormitory, crying. Should she believe Snape, or Mulciber? She didn't know, but right now she really didn't want to see Severus. If all she had heard was true, she didn't want to be a subject of humiliation tonight, especially not in front of a group of people who respected her.  
_  
What the hell have you done to my life Severus Snape?_


	5. Chapter 5

So it was Saturday morning and Sev woke up early once more, much earlier than the others in his dorm. He took his robes and didn't hesitate in going to the bathroom. He liked showers because the hot water felt good on his cold skin, for the most part. In fact, Sev mainly stood immobile under the water for a good ten minutes before he did anything else. He was still slow at washing himself with soap as he had not yet mastered using it and it often slipped from his hands. He refrained from conditioning his hair as the bottle said that the effect would last for 4 days... After drying and brushing his hair, Sev turned to see McNabb, entering the bathroom just as he had yesterday.

"Morning, Severus," He greeted, "See you up there, yeah?"

"Yes, see you up there."

They passed each other with a polite wave and Sev was out the door. Sev was beginning to feel weird. Yesterday and the day before, things had just flowed in a way he hadn't expected, but now he realised that all the new things in his life were uncomfortable and unfamiliar. He was betraying emotions, helping others, letting others help _him_, he had even dissuaded himself from retaliating to Potter.

_What the hell is this? I've changed so much already._

He had welcomed the change at first, but now it was weird.

_I even told Alice Nelson that I love Lily. Why would I tell _anyone_ that I love her? Even if they know already? What happened to not wearing your heart on your sleeve?_

He was immensely internally conflicted. He wanted to change but now it seemed difficult. The previous days felt like a dream, looking onto a person who had done so many things that Sev would never do.

_But I have to keep going, even if it isn't so much at a time._

Today, he would go to the library and study for his Potions exam with McNabb. He would do what he was comfortable with doing, even though he had always studied with Lily. One breath in and out and he'd reached the Great Hall to find - to his utter surprise - Lily, sitting alone once again. She did not look up at him this time, and he proceeded to the Slytherin table as usual. It seemed seriously unusual for Lily to decide that she would come early with the possibility that he could be there early again as well. What was she getting at? Nothing was said between them this time though and McNabb had come to Sev's side after what was close to half an hour.

"Any grand plans for today?"

"I thought we could just drop by the library and study for Monday's exam-"

"You're joking, right? You know everything you could possibly know about Potions and I've got a good enough knowledge for it not to study on a Saturday in _Summer_."  
_  
There goes my day._

"Well, what do you want to do then?" Sev asked with clear annoyance in his voice.

"Let's chill outside for a bit. Go round the forest or something."

"That's right, you like magical creatures...you're just like Hagrid that huge 'Keeper of Keys' or whatever he does..."

"Mate! That's a brilliant idea! Let's go see Hagrid! I hear he's got mad knowledge on magical creatures," McNabb was going on excitedly and then added in a whisper, "and I hear he keeps a couple himself in that hut thing of his, way better than my CMC teacher now."

Sev was looking forward to his insignificant, familiar and dreary day, inside without possible endangerment of his life, but that seemed to be out of the picture. With an unwilling sigh, he said, "Yeah, fine, someone else I have to be friendly to..."

McNabb pumped his fist and then began eating happily as people began to stream into the Great Hall.

-

Lily wasn't sure what was wrong with herself, but she somehow knew that Sev would be at breakfast early once again and so repeated yesterday's routine. In her mind, she didn't want to believe him, didn't want to be anywhere near him, but her heart thumped painfully any time she thought of seeing him and decided she need to. She was sitting quietly in the Great Hall, looking down at her plate when she heard quiet steps entering the hall. She forced herself to keep her attention away from the source of the sound and she could feel her face reddening with concentration. The footsteps had stopped for some seconds, but continued and went straight to the Slytherin table, exactly where she knew they would go. She looked up once convinced that he was seated and saw Severus there, present right before her eyes. There was something about seeing him there that made her chest swell pleasantly. She didn't know why, but the fact that he existed seemed to comfort her. There would be a hole in her life if she couldn't see him sitting before her, right there. She knew she was breathing the same air as him and she tried to listen for his breath. She heard it, slow, with every exhale a deep blowing wind out. She merely stared at the back of his head for perhaps half an hour. She seemed to have forgotten all about the fact that her heart had been crushed by the very person she was ogling. She did not notice when a third person had entered the hall, looking at her with her eyes upon Severus. Footsteps finally registered in her consciousness and she quickly looked up, seeing the boy McNabb looking at her oddly. With a swiftness that concealed her embarrassment, her gaze returned to her plate and remained there while she listened to the conversation.

"Any grand plans for today?"

Sev began quietly, "I thought we could just drop by the library and study for Monday's exam-"

"You're joking, right?" McNabb had cut him off with a disbelieving laugh, "You know everything you could possibly know about Potions and I've got a good enough knowledge for it not to study on a Saturday in _Summer_."

It would have been Lily who would have said that to him a few days ago.

"Well, what do you want to do then?" Sev asked annoyed.

"Let's chill outside for a bit. Go round the forest or something," McNabb shrugged.

"Oh yeah, you like magical creatures...you're just like Hagrid that huge gamekeeper..." Lily had seen the enormous jolly man named Hagrid and liked him from the distant impression he made.

"Mate! That's a brilliant idea! Let's go see Hagrid! I hear he's got mad knowledge on magical creatures," McNabb was going on excitedly and then added in a whisper almost as audible as normal volume speech would be, "And I hear he keeps a couple himself in that hut thing of his, way better than my CMC teacher now."

Sev sighed and said, "Yeah, fine, someone else I have to be friendly to..."

_What? What's that supposed to mean? Someone else he _**has**_ to be friendly to?_

Did this mean that he was really putting on an act? Leading Lily and all her friends on? Was he still hanging around with the Death Eaters and dealing with the Dark Arts? Lily was once again dejected and went back to gloomy thoughts about Sev as people started filing in. She could not ignore the fact anymore that yes, she loved Sev, but now he was just really screwing around with her. He would always have a place in her heart and that would always be the place that would be broken beyond repair.

-

It was straight after breakfast that Sev and McNabb had left the castle and made their way across the sloping grounds. Sev was hoping he would not encounter the Marauders and thought his wishes had come true until something unexpected happened. The pair were just getting close to Hagrid's Hut when Sev's legs suddenly snapped together and he tumbled straight onto his face. After he heard his nose crack slightly and his forehead had begun to throb painfully, Sev tried to detach his legs from one another and found his attempts futile until he heard McNabb mutter something and felt his hands pulling him up.

"I'd say it was Potter, mate. He was walking past with those other idiots and cast a leg-locker, real discreet like."

Severus cursed foully at Potter under his breath, spewing out every swear word he could possibly think of. He looked up to see if he was still in sight but he had gone. Just as well, otherwise Sev may have forgotten himself and done something rash.

"Mate, your nose, it's bleeding mad-"

"Let's just get to Hagrid's," Sev said testily.

They began their short journey to Hagrid's once again and when they reached the front door, McNabb gave a hard bang on the door which caused what must have been a dog to start barking loudly, while Severus stood with a terrible slouch behind him.

"Shut up will yeh, yeh'll make me deaf!" Sev and McNabb heard fuzzily through the tough wooden door. The same door swung open as the barking died down and a man the size of two average sized men towered above them in the doorway.

"Who do we 'ave 'ere?" He said.

"Hi sir, I'm Jeremy McNabb and this is Severus Snape." McNabb bravely held out a hand and Hagrid took it into a bone crushing grip.

"Great ter meet yeh Jeremy but please, don' call me sir, tha's my father that is, call me Hagrid. And this is Severus," He held his own hand out to an angry looking Sev who took his hand, but nevertheless Hagrid's smile fell a tiny bit.

"Don't mind him," McNabb said, "He's been having a rough life."

"I know what yeh migh' be feeling, d'you two wanna come in an' have a cuppa?"

"Yeah, sure."

McNabb pushed Sev to move and he staggered forward into the cabin. Hagrid gestured a large table and some seats for them to sit in. It was huge and their legs did not reach the floor. Hagrid stood at a small kitchen (for his size), taking some large mugs out of a cupboard while water boiled over a fireplace.

"So what brings you two here?" Hagrid asked.

"Well, I heard you're into your magical creatures, Hagrid, I am too so I was thinking you could tell me some stuff you know, field experience and what not. I want to take up a career involving magical creatures."

"Ah, tha's excellent, that is," Hagrid said cheerfully, "Yeah, I know my fair share as far as expertise go. It's great that you want that kind of career. But first," Hagrid turned to Sev while filling their mugs with boiling water, "I can' believe I didn' notice before, yeh're covered in blood you are, let's get yeh cleaned up."

Hagrid handed Sev a giant wet rag which he took with thanks and wiped his nose and face.

"Yer nose is a bit broken, it looks it, looks like it's a bit bent."

Sev put a hand to his nose and felt a twinge of pain. He quickly whipped it away once more and as soon as this happened, Hagrid had asked, "What 'appened to you?"

"Oh, ha, well, just the usual stuff I go through every day."

"What do yeh mean 'every day'? You break yer nose every day?"

"Well, no, but I end up with some kind of affliction. You wouldn't happen to know James Potter would you?"

"The boy on Gryffindor's Quidditch team? Talented kid he is."

_Talented, pfft_.

"Yeah, well, he pretty much makes my life living hell. He jinxed me with a Leg-Locking curse, fell flat on my face. And that's not nearly close to the worst I've received from him."

"Yeh can' be serious? Teachers tell me 'bout what a nice kid he is! And he uses magic on yeh?"

"Yes, he does. In front of lots of people."

"Tha's ridiculous, Severus! Yeh can' let 'im do tha' to yeh! Don' he ever get caught?" Hagrid said with concerned outrage which made Severus considerably more open to Hagrid.

"Never. I don't want to tell the teachers, I don't want to seem like I'm weak."

"Rubbish! Yeh need ter tell Professor McGonagall, she'd handle it jus' fine, he'd never be on yer case again! Am I right?" He looked at McNabb.

"Definitely." McNabb said, turning to Sev with a nod. "You really should. For all you could hope, he'll get expelled, maybe Black too."

Sev thought about a Potter-less Hogwarts. No one trying to steal Lily, or make him look like a fool, or cause the event which would break him apart from Lily. There would be no more people laughing at him, too scared not to agree with Potter.

"I'll think about it," He concluded.

"Righ'. Well, I think you should drink up yer tea and head to the Hospital wing right away, otherwise Madam Pomfrey'll be on _my_ case."

Sev and McNabb finished the tea and waved at Hagrid while heading out the door.

"Come visit tomorrow when yer nose is fixed," Hagrid said, "We'll talk 'bout some creatures."

"Sounds great, see you Hagrid," McNabb responded.

"It was nice meeting you," Sev added with a big smile. Hagrid smiled just as widely back with another wave which had the force of a large swinging pendulum.

Sev and McNabb retreated back to the Castle and went up to the hospital wing where McNabb had left Sev at the doors. As soon as Sev walked through them, he looked around for Madam Pomfrey and found another familiar face in a bed, turning at his entrance, erratic curls and all.

"Oh hi, Sev! What are you doing here?" Ell greeted cheerily.

"I could ask the same thing," Sev said observing her, concerned.

"Oh, it's nothing much, just a nasty hex. What about you?"

"I might have broken my nose but that doesn't matter right now, who hexed you?" Sev had a feeling that he knew just who it was.

"No one, it was no one, Pomfrey's in her office, go see her for your nose quickly, before you hurt yourself some more."

"You're going to tell me more about what happened to you when I get back," Sev demanded in somewhat a motherly tone.

She smiled and nodded, rolling her eyes. Sev walked to the office at the back of the wing and knock on the door. Madam Pomfrey's face protruded from behind and as soon as she set sights on Sev's face, she automatically said, "Broken nose?"

Sev nodded his affirmation and she swung open her office door, strolled out taking Sev's arm and dragged him to the bed next to Ell's.

"Please lie down Miss Ellis." She said sternly to Ell.

Ell obliged unwillingly, but kept her eye on the happenings next to her.

"This is not hard at all, but you may feel a bit of a painful crack," She warned.

Sev gave a nod of understanding.

"_Episkey_," she canted. He heard a sharp crack as his nose snapped back into place, Ell had flinched at the sound and pain stung his nose. He rubbed it.

"The after-pain may not dissipate for some hours but I have a treatment which will help you get rid of it in one. So stay in this bed while I get you the medicine."

Sev gave her thanks and slid into the bed next to Ell's who had sat back up and turned to him.

"So what happened then?" He questioned.

"I got hit by a spell which causes the heart beat to slow down quite a bit. Almost stopped completely, but Professor McGonagall found me in time and brought me up here." She said this as if it was something that happened every other day.

"What? Who did that! You could have died!"

"It was Mulciber, your friend in our year."

Sev knew it, and now he was absolutely fuming.

"He is no friend of mine," He said, deadly, "And I know what spell that was. Animum Quiesce. That's some really dark magic, you need to tell Professor McGonagall and Slughorn because what he did to you is really serious."

"Yeah, I will, but I'm fine for now. Look," she inclined her head towards Madam Pomfrey who was walking towards Sev, holding something which Sev supposed was the medicine. When she came closer and finally reached him, it seemed that she was holding a goblet of what looked like dark green goo. It was a liquid which had the consistency of mantle and Sev was not sure how it was going to slide down his throat.

"Now this is a very tricky drink," Madam Pomfrey informed, "Don't try to swallow it. You need to tilt your head backwards, relax your throat and pour it down from the goblet. It will do the rest for you."

Sev felt very unsure, but all the same, took the goblet, tilted his head back and poured the liquid into his mouth. As soon as it hit his tongue, it felt as if the drink was snaking past his mouth, but it did not seem as if the whole thing was falling down his oesophagus. Some was travelling down into his stomach, and the other half seemed to be rising up into his head. He felt an extremely strange and unpleasant sensation in his nose and the ligaments in it felt tingly and thick. He gagged a bit and stopped tipping it into his mouth.

"I think that's enough anyway," Madam Pomfrey said, "Now please just rest for another hour, then you may go."

"Thank you," Sev said, and as soon as she left, Sev looked back at Ell and said, "I'm being dead serious. Tell them, _you could have died_."

"It's nice to know you're concerned about me," Ell said convivially, completely ignoring Sev's advice.

Sev gave a defeated sigh and said, "It's not very characteristic of me, I've been acting so unlike myself lately."

"I like the way you've been acting lately. It's a side of you no one has seen yet, and I'm pretty sure everyone likes it too. It's called being nice."

"Yeah, it's weird, but the strangest thing is that it's coming more easily than everything else has. As if this is how I've always been, but it's not. I'm the exact opposite, but when I'm presented with a situation, it seems so easy. What's with that?"

"Well," Ell began, "Perhaps this is the real you. You've been pretending all these years to be something you're not - bad, if you don't mind me saying - to protect yourself from everyone in Slytherin. I mean, the stuff they do, I'm sure they wouldn't hesitate to hurt their own, would they?"

"No, they wouldn't," Sev said gravely.

"Exactly, but I bet you've been pressured to be this way. You've had to rival all other houses, I bet your parents were Slytherins too and you wouldn't want to let them down either."

No one knew that Sev was half-blood, but he wasn't ready to reveal that yet.

"Yeah, they were. I think you're right. I mean I wasn't a bad kid when I was nine. Well, I started reading about the Dark Arts then but I didn't know any better. My mum gave me some books and I just picked them up, and it's not like my father would let me know any better..."

Ell was looking at Sev with an unbearable look of pity, which he could not stand.

"Don't do that," He said assertively.

Ell was caught off-guard and she occupied a surprised expression.

"Do what?"

"Look at me like that. Like I'm something pathetic that needs to be worried about. I'm not. I can look after myself and I don't need someone's pity or help."

Ell suddenly understood what Severus was all about.

"You don't have very good parents, do you?"

Sev was caught off-guard this time with such a forward question.

"What?"

"Well, my parents always said that the way a person is, is often determined by the way they were raised. Some of the Slytherin kids, the really bad ones, have been raised by Death Eaters, haven't they? That's why they're so cruel to people, they've grown up with those values and what not. I don't know if your parents are Death Eaters, I mean I don't think so, but they haven't been entirely great to you have they? That's why you feel you need to stick up and look after yourself, because they've never done that for you. That's also why Lily Evans is so nice. She's grown up with a family of extremely kind and generous people."

Sev found logic in what she was saying, and it seemed to make sense. His alcoholic screw up of a father and his mother whom was a disappointment to the Prince name didn't show Sev much affection and the most communication they all had together were often fights which at times engendered violence. On the other hand, there was Lily's perfect family, hence a perfect Lily. Even with this realisation, Sev was definitely not keen on the idea of telling Ell his family history and this must have been written on his face because Ell read his expression and pursued the topic no longer. Even this now freaked Sev out. No one could ever read his face before, he never, never ever revealed weak emotions. Sev suddenly felt dizzy and laid back on his bed.

"I think I'm going to sleep for a bit," He barely let out.

"Sure, sleep tight," Ell said understandingly.

Sev slipped into uncertain oblivion.

-

Lily had headed straight to the library after breakfast, hopeful not to run into any one of three groups of boys which she seemed to encounter often. On her way there though, she met the one that perhaps she was least keen on meeting. James Potter and his three best friends saw Lily in the corridor and James quickly ran over to her.

"Hey Evans, wait up! Stop walking! Hey-"

He grabbed her shoulder which caused Lily to turn and puncture James with a death-like glare upon her face.

"Don't you EVER touch me."

"Okay, I'm sorry! But uh...how are you?"

Lily was too angry to be perplexed by Potter's random question, but answered anyway.

"I'm fine."

"Oh, er...that's good. Hey, I was just wondering, do you want to like, talk or something some time? You know just you and me, person to person and that stuff..."

Lily was seriously weirded out by Potter's behaviour, but she was not fazed by it.

"I would never, ever have a 'person to person' talk with a toerag like you, _especially _not alone."

"Oh, come on Ev- hey, watch where you're bloody going!"

A third year boy had accidently run into James and he had shoved him off.

"God, kids these days-"

A fresh, red mark appeared on James' face where Lily had slapped him, hard.

"You are such a dick! You have the _nerve_ to try and ask me out alone and you can't even do it without these three standing behind you, then you yell at a kid you don't even know because he ran into you by _accident_. And you do all this only days after you completely mortified Severus!"

James looked extremely hurt, but recovered and said, "I thought you didn't care about Snivellus-I mean, Severus anymore, aye?"

"I don't. But that doesn't stop you being an idiot who does idiot things to other people. Can you leave me alone for this life time and perhaps there will be a me who will give you a chance in another life, doubtful, but the point is that you need to leave me in peace right now. Goodbye."

Lily walked off with an air of finality and James called out her name to no avail.

"Mate," Sirius came to his shoulder, "Rejected three times out of three in three days, even when you try to be nice. Don't know about you but that seems to tell me something."

"Piss off, Padfoot," James said hotly, and he stalked down the corridor with the other Marauders on his feet, Sirius typically by his side.

-

It must have been hours that Sev had been asleep because the sun had already begun to set when he woke up, farewelled Ell and finally left the Hospital Wing. Assuming it was around dinner time already, he headed straight to the Great Hall and sat next to McNabb, who questioned and queried about his health and well-being and when satisfied that he'd asked as many questions as a normal friend would, he contentedly dug back into his meal. Sev ate an ample load as well, being ravenous after a day of sleep. He was never going to get to sleep tonight. He took the risk of turning around to find Lily, expecting her to be with Alice and the group. He was immediately proven correct, as he found his eyes locked with her green ones. They held there for an extended period of time, longer than usual, before Lily finally broke off and stared at her plate. Sev had no idea what he had seen in her eyes, the only thing he knew was he saw them, and saw them see his own eyes. This was good enough for Sev for one day. He finished eating and waited for McNabb to finish, impatiently, then the two left the Great Hall together to return to their dormitory. Sev had gotten to the point where he wasn't bothered about whether Mulciber was at dinner or lunch or whatever anymore, but he knew that after what happened to Ell, he would hex Mulciber into the next world if he met him in the dormitory. Luckily for Mulciber, he was not there and Sev got straight into his night wear, bidding McNabb goodnight and drawing his curtains. After casting his protective enchantments, Sev carried on with his now routine reflection of the day.  
His days seemed to be getting more eventful as they went and with the good seemed to come the bad.

_Forget karma,_ he thought.

The one thing that had intrigued Sev the most about the day was why Lily had decided to make an early start once again, knowing that Sev could have done just the same, which he did. He couldn't find any reason for it, but the next thing that freaked him out was how much more he suddenly liked Gryffindors than Slytherins. They were so understanding, the girls, and they seemed to know what he was going through and why, straight away. He was seriously pondering Ell's words.

_"Perhaps this is the real you. You've been pretending all these years to be something you're not..."_

Sev had woken up this morning thinking it would be incredibly difficult to be as friendly as he had been the previous days, but all of his actions and thoughts just came to him. Without having to try to impress or convince Mulciber, he felt so much more at peace. Living was not a daily threat. Well, not in the sense that it used to be. He could now fear for his life with dignity.

_I am a good person._

But he admitted to himself ashamedly that he kind of missed the Dark Arts. They were just so mysterious and enigmatic, intriguing. But he would have to find another hobby, something just as mind-capturing.

_Maybe I'll borrow some good novels, or listen to Celestina Warbeck_, he thought with a mental laugh.

This was probably what he would have to do though. Well it would be worth it, and who knew, perhaps he would enjoy reading random books, or listening to the new sensation Celestina.  
_  
Ah, Sunday tomorrow._

He had to go back down to Hagrid's tomorrow, but to his own surprise, he wasn't opposed to the activity; he was rather looking forward to it. He would have to sit through the Magical Creatures talk, but he would be safe, and with friends and ultimately happy.  
_  
Yes, tomorrow will be a good day.  
_  
Settled with this thought and without even a slight feeling of fatigue, he lay with his eyes closed, thinking about the recent dream about Lily and himself, lying beneath the tree by the lake in a warm embrace.

"Severus?" Sev heard McNabb's voice pierce the silence.

"What?"

"Oh, well, just wanted to let you know that Lily Evans was staring at you at breakfast this morning. When I walked in she didn't see me so...yeah."

Sev was dumbfounded and said nothing in reply to McNabb.

"Alright, well, night."

Sev was still speechless.

_Lily was staring at me? Is that why she came down early? To _stare_ at me? _Does_ Lily care about me still?_

Sev was so confused with Lily's behaviour, everything that had been happening recently was beyond belief. He decided to let the image of him and Lily preoccupy him past midnight; he had heard Mulciber, Avery and his third roommate Christopher Mullings enter whispering, but Sev didn't care to know what they were saying and did not concentrate on anything but Lily for the rest of the night. When the room had settled and all was quiet Sev continued on thoughts of Lily, and it must have been 2 am before Sev finally lost consciousness.


	6. Chapter 6

Lily was so confused. It had been two days since that fateful night between her and Severus Snape, and she had returned either to the common room or to her dorm without her friends, crying. All too uncharacteristic of Lily Evans, she felt ashamed. She didn't believe him. She couldn't, otherwise it would be all her fault that they split up, her fault for ignoring this new person. Suddenly, Sev was making the effort, something he had refrained from doing for nearly five years, something he seemed practically incapable of. And yet here he was, making Lily feel unloved.

_Did he never like me? Was I really just a muggleborn girl that he could use? If he really cared about me, he would have done this when we were friends..._  
She remained in denial, although she didn't really realise it, and took on the pretense to hate him. Alice clearly saw through her, as the two sat in Gryffindor common room, sharing opinions, or rather, arguing.

"So I had my Potions lesson with Severus today."

Lily did not move an inch, or even show the least bit of interest.

"He's really very kind. He let me look at all of his notes and everything."

Lily betrayed the smallest expression of surprise. Sev had let Alice look at his Potions textbook? He never let anyone look at that, not even Lily at times! And he was kind? Sev had never fitted the image of kind too perfectly in the past.

"So when are you going to be friends with Severus again so we can all hang out together?"

Lily sharpened up and stared at Alice bluntly.

"You're joking right? Do you really think I'd take him back after all that has happened?"

"After all what has happened? What on earth do you mean by that? After he called you that name which was an _honest_ mistake from mere mortification which he then followed up by apologizing to you, or because of how he's now trying to make up for the last 4 years of garbage he's put you through? I'd expect that of you, Lily, to accept your best friend's SINCERE apology."

"He's lying and I can't believe you don't see through it, Alice."

"Lily Evans. Severus Snape is not lying to you, or anyone else. You should have seen him today, he really opened up-"

"How do you know that what he's 'opening up' about isn't a lie Alice! You don't know! I've been told some things lately that tell me that he could quite possibly be trying to manipulate you all!"

Alice sighed. If only she could tell Lily how Severus felt about her, but she knew that there would be a time that he'd have to do it himself.

"Did you like him?"

Lily was taken aback.

"What?"

"Did you...you know...like him, like him?"

"Wha-"

Lily knew perfectly well what Alice meant, and she knew what her answer was, but she was definitely not going to give her information that she might pass on to Sev.

"He's a liar-"

"HE'S NOT LYING, LILY!"

Many heads turned as the room fell silent at Alice's outburst, giving curious, questioning and disapproving looks which fell when Alice faced a few and said, "Would you mind?"

Each turned back around to whisper covertly to their neighbours, attempting furtive glances in Alice and Lily's direction when the two had resumed conversation.

"He's not. I know he's not, so stop saying he is," Alice said defiantly, and slightly protectively.

"So what is he your best friend now and I'm just here, forgotten?"

"Lily, you damn well know that that's not the case, but you should know better. You are the kindest, funniest, most vivacious person I know and seeing you like this- it's heartbreaking. Keep hating him, whatever, but snap out of your misery will you? We want our friend back."

Lily looked at Alice long and hard while Alice returned an imploring look.

"Whatever."

Lily got straight up out of her armchair and was out of sight, past the dormitory doors before Alice even knew it. As Alice now stared at the shut door hopelessly, all she could do was shake her head.

-

The next day, it was McNabb who woke Sev up to visit Hagrid. Sev was, of course, exhausted, but nonetheless got dressed and went up with McNabb. When they walked into the Great Hall for breakfast, Lily was there, but did not look up or even move. Sev decided not to communicate either, but allowed himself a look at her.

Breakfast passed uneventfully and as soon as they believed it a reasonable time to visit Hagrid in this early morning, they headed down without distractions. While there, McNabb and Hagrid were talking everything of magical creatures: their favourite ones, the most dangerous, where to find them, what they would keep as a pet and etcetera. It was all chatter which Sev was disinterested in as he drank his tea, and so he slipped into a daydream quite quickly, but made it a habit that morning to nod absently every now and again to feign his concentration. All Sev could think of now was Lily. She didn't go last night, would she next week? Would she continue to ignore him? How long would it be before she realised what he was trying to do for her? He never thought it would take this long, even though it had only been a mere three days.  
_  
__I am so pathetic._

Sev kept visiting new thoughts and resisting old ones (always about Lily), until finally, conversation had run out of energy and Sev and McNabb were once more waving their goodbyes. Once Sev and McNabb had finished up at Hagrid's, they still had an hour until lunch.

"What do we do now?" Sev asked uncomfortably.

"Chill."

Sev looked at McNabb with an eyebrow raised.

"What's 'chill'?" Sev asked unknowingly.

McNabb looked at him in amused disbelief.

"Are you seriously telling me that you've never just chilled?"

"Can you please tell me what it means to chill or the only thing that is going to be chill is your dead body once I'm done with you," Sev said with clear annoyance.

"Haha, okay, okay...chilling is just...hanging around, you know? Sit down, do nothing?"

Sev didn't understand what the point of chilling was. It was completely unproductive and left you off-guard. But he had to be as normal as possible. He thought he'd done this with Lily before, or at least Lily did while he watched and ruminated and kept his wand at the ready, incase Potter came by.

"Okay, well, show me how we do it."

McNabb gave a final laugh and said, "Mate, you are ridiculous you know that..." They had just gotten halfway up the hill back to the castle and so they stopped by near a tree, in a patch of sunlight. McNabb threw himself down and put his arms behind his head, closing his eyes.

"This is chilling," He said as he yawned and stretched.

Sev looked at him for a moment, then sat with his knees up to his chin and arms wrapped around his legs. McNabb sneaked a peek at Sev for a moment and said calmly, "Severus let loose for god sakes will you? Lie down or at least spread your legs and arms out."

Sev considered the idea. Sev was always very insecure and had always sat the way he was doing now. He adopted it every time he sat in the corner of his living room as his parents fought. Slowly and precariously, he released his grip around his shins, leaned back on his hands and spread his legs in front of him. It was now that Sev finally noticed how warm the sun was on his cold skin. It felt lovely. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes as gold played over his features.  
_  
__This is chilling.__  
_  
He was at his utmost relaxed and hardly noticed anything else around him. He was calm, rather than the frantic boy he always was. He thought of nothing. That was until a familiar voice broke him out of his reverie.

"...didn't I tell you to leave me alone, Potter?"

Sev opened his eyes slowly, processing the loud shout he had heard.

"Come on, give me a second chance please? It'll just be us two."

"As if I would you idiot! Have I ever?"

"Hey Potter, didn't she tell you to leave her alone?" Sev was making his way over to the scene, calmly striding that way and keeping his voice level, cool.

"Ah, Snivel-I mean Severus. I don't think I asked you to join the conversation."

"It doesn't sound that much like a conversation rather than a one-sided shouting match." Sev's voice remained even.

"Piss off, Snape," Lily interjected, angrily, "I can take care of myself."

Sev ignored her comment and went on.

"I mean, she's taking you down even with your little four-on-one you've got going on back here," he gestured to the rest of the Marauders, close to James, "You'd think that with all the eleven year olds you've had practise on that you'd be able to pin down one girl."

"What, are you trying to imply that just because I'm a girl I can't defend myself?" Lily interjected heatedly.

Yeah, and when you said stuff for me while I was subject to these guys' torture, were you implying that I couldn't defend myself either? Sev wanted so much to say that to her, but he avoided looking at her completely, instead keeping eye contact with Potter, trying to intimidate him.

"Yeah, what's wrong with you Snape?" James Potter added to Lily's question, "Trying to say that girls can't fend for themselves?"

Lily shot James an intense look. "You're no damn better, Potter! We're talking about you right now and you STILL don't get it! Neither of us would have to defend ourselves if you weren't bloody harassing us every two minutes like an idiot toerag who has nothing better to do than irritate others. So please, while you are thinking about something that's not yourself, listen to this: RACK OFF AND DON'T TALK TO ME AGAIN."

James looked rather forsaken, he looked at Sev who gave a satisfied smirk, then at Lily who was piercing him with her gaze, and then at Sirius who merely shrugged. James couldn't think of what to do and it was a few seconds before he turned sharply and gestured for the Marauders to follow him back to the castle. Lily and Sev watched them walk up and heard James chastising Sirius for not coming to his aid ("What the hell you idiot! That's where you come in!" "She got you fair and square, Prongs...").

It was moments before Lily and Sev had realised that they were standing only metres apart and had no one else with them. Lily looked at Sev and Sev looked back. Thinking quickly Sev gave her his best and widest smile and as she looked at him blankly, he had hoped for some kind of positive reaction. Unfortunately, her response was "Sod off, Snape" and she made her way up to the castle as well. Sev could have sworn though that he had seen a twitch of her lips as she had been there.

-

Lily had just come back from the skirtings of the Forbidden Forest, a place that acted as somewhat of a reprieve lately. No students really wanted to go anywhere near the forest, and the leaf litter where the trees grew thin were comfortable to rest on as the sunlight broke through the forest canopy. All she did really was lie there, closing her eyes, but not really thinking. If she thought, she thought about Sev, and she didn't want that. She was now on her way back up to the castle to wait for lunch; the blowing of the wind in the trees reminded Lily of the breath she'd listened for in Sev. She had just reached the first few scatterings of the odd tree near halfway up from the lake when she heard that painfully familiar voice.

"Evans!"

_Oh for fuck sakes._

Lily stopped in front of a tree and found herself practically cornered by Potter and his gang.

"Oh seriously now, what is this, a circus parade?"

"If you want it to be," James smirked and winked.

Lily felt thoroughly violated in every possible way, even with the poor attempt at sexual innuendo.

"Ugh, didn't I tell you to leave me alone, Potter?" Lily shouted at him.

James' face dropped instantly, regretting his action.

"Come on, give me a second chance please? It'll just be us two."

"As if I would you idiot! Have I ever?" Lily couldn't believe how persistent the oaf was. Before Potter could respond, Lily heard another familiar voice, one that she wanted least to hear.

"Hey Potter, didn't she tell you to leave her alone?" Severus was making his way over to the scene, calmly striding behind Potter's back until he was on Lily's right.

"Ah, Snivel-I mean Severus. I don't think I asked you to join the conversation."

"It doesn't sound that much like a conversation rather than a one-sided shouting match." Sev's voice remained at a surprisingly undisturbed tone. Usually he would be off his nut, angry beyond belief at the mere appearance of Potter. Perhaps even trying to get away from him as quickly as possible.

"Piss off, Snape," Lily joined their discussion and took on a bitter tone, so as not to make her perspectives known, "I can take care of myself."

Sev ignored her comment and went on. This annoyed Lily the slightest bit. What was he trying to do? Was he on her side or what?

"I mean, she's taking you down even with your little four-on-one you've got going on back here," he gestured to the rest of the Marauders, close to James, "You'd think that with all the eleven year olds you've had practise on that you'd be able to pin down one girl."

"What, are you trying to imply that just because I'm a girl I can't defend myself?" Lily interjected heatedly. Still, Sev ignored her, not meeting her eyes once but looking directly at Potter. Even though Sev was defending Lily, he made no sign of acknowledgment that she was actually there.

"Yeah, what's wrong with you Snape?" Potter added to Lily's question, "Trying to say that girls can't fend for themselves?"

Lily shot James an intense look. "You're no damn better, Potter! We're talking about you right now and you STILL don't get it! Neither of us would have to defend ourselves if you weren't bloody harassing us every two minutes like an idiot toerag who has nothing better to do than irritate others. So please, while you are thinking about something that's not yourself, listen to this: RACK OFF AND DON'T TALK TO ME AGAIN."

James looked rather forsaken; he looked at Sev who gave a satisfied smirk, then at Lily who was piercing him with as much enmity as she could muster, and then at Sirius who merely shrugged. James couldn't think of what to do and it was a few seconds before he turned sharply and gestured for the Marauders to follow him back to the castle. Lily watched them walk up until she was certain they would not come back, then just stood there. She realised that she was now alone with Sev, looking at him without expression as she was not sure of the moment. Suddenly, as Sev collected himself, he smiled the biggest smile Lily had ever seen him give her in his life. Lily had the most incredible urge to smile, she almost couldn't help herself as the corner of her mouth twitched involuntarily. It was probably the most extravagant, most amusing, most beautiful thing that Lily had ever seen.

"Sod off, Snape," she forced herself to say. As she turned, she could see the smile disappear. Tears began to wash her eyes. He never smiled like that with her. And now she'd never see that kind of smile without knowing it was insincere. 

After Lily had left and Sev had allowed his eyes to follow her all the way up to the castle, he went back to an as still as if dead McNabb, who seemed to have ignored the current events altogether.

"There's still half an hour until lunch."

McNabb grunted, and not knowing what on earth that response was supposed to mean, Sev went back to 'chilling', basking in the sun and thinking about what that lip twitch from Lily meant, and how amazing it was.

The week seemed to have passed in an instant, the way things had gone for Sev. He had completed all his exams and with special note the Potions one. He knew he was going to receive an Outstanding, during his practical, the examiner even told him that he would. There were some minor, or perhaps what could be considered major changes in his daily routine. Since Monday, Alice and her Gryffindor girlfriends paid a visit to Slytherin table at (at least) one meal time every day. All they would do was talk, about anything and everything, and although Sev found it a bit irritating (he liked the solitude that he and McNabb had), he had let it happen. He had now met all Gryffindor fifth years and was friends with all the girls, as well as Frank Longbottom. One strange occurrence was that McNabb was not acting as…as what Jeremy McNabb would usually act like. Sometimes he'd be very 'chilled out', very laidback as he usually was. Other times, he was continually questioning, wouldn't stop talking, wouldn't stand in his relaxed stance with his hands in his pockets, but instead seem tense. He was always questioning about Lily and Sev's relationship.

"So how close were you?"

"What did you do together?"

"Did she really hate Potter?"

Sev was getting irritated and really didn't want to answer questions, but it was on Tuesday that McNabb asked:

"Why do you think she kept hanging out with you for so long?"

This was actually an exceptional question.

_Why _did _she stay with me all this time?_

Sev thought long and hard before he replied to McNabb, but didn't really pin it down.

"Well…well I was the first one to tell her about Hogwarts, the first wizard to ever have talked to her…"

"Yeah, but when we got to Hogwarts we all made new friends and met new wizards and witches, why would she have stayed if she could have been with other people?"

Sev thought he knew one reason.

_Pity, _he thought bitterly.

"Lily Evans is the kindest person in this world. When I came, I knew no one and I didn't really make any real friends in the first few years…she stuck by me so I wouldn't be alone."

"But then you did make friends, by the end of second year, us. Three years later…"

Severus didn't know. The question was on the dot, something Sev had never perused before, and probably something he should have. If he had thought about this before, he and Lily may never have had their falling out. He never asked her why she wanted him as a friend, and he had never let her know that he wanted her as a friend, really. Lily had said they were best friends before, but Sev had never had the guts to say it back.

"I screwed up so bad, McNabb."

It seemed that McNabb had returned to his mellow state.

"No offense, but yeah, you kind of did mate."

It was Thursday and exams had been completed. Partly a relief for Sev, but he hadn't been too shaken about them. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, Sev had not seen Lily once, except for inside the Great Hall for exams, and her early morning journeys to breakfast. Sev didn't understand why she still went, knowing he went to breakfast early himself, but she would always be there with her head hung low, and Sev's heart would always skip two beats. Because of this behaviour, Sev was hopeful that Lily wasn't trying to avoid him. Though during the day, it seemed as if she was going out of her way to avoid him. He was sure she saw the flip of her red hair swing around the corridor on the fifth floor as he had been walking down that way.

Each morning, Sev had run himself under water, just standing there beneath the heat, letting his skin moisten until it was wrinkled. It was all he could do really to completely calm his emotions. He almost couldn't believe that Lily wasn't there anymore. He was having, to his revulsion, withdrawal symptoms, and he was dejected everywhere he went. Whenever Alice and her friends came over to talk, Sev would hope they would say something about Lily, but it never happened. He decided to do something about it during breakfast this morning, but for now he would walk into the almost empty Great Hall, where Lily sat. Something changed this time though. Sev walked in and instead of seeing the curtain of Lily's hair, he saw her eyes. Her eyes acknowledged him with some sort of weird look; was it curiosity? Sev had no idea, because as soon as he'd looked at her, he'd felt as if someone had put some sort of spell on him that was making his stomach dance around. He had lost his self and took a step towards Lily before he realised what he was doing. Was Lily's stare meant as a request for him to talk to her? Or even approach her? Sev didn't want to do something wrong, but he had to test his luck.

"Lily," he simply said, quietly. It was anything but quiet though. It echoed, thrumming against the walls of the hall.

Lily did not reply, but merely shrugged back into her usual position, and hid behind her curtain of hair. Sev felt horrible. He didn't know what would have been worse, Lily telling him to go away or what had just happened now: her pretending he wasn't even there. Sev took to his usual seat at Slytherin table, very much unhappy and sat with his back to Lily.

_Why did she look at me? She didn't want to say anything and yet there she was, making eyes with me._

Sev didn't get it at all. He took some buttered toast and munched on it quietly. For some reason, he felt he could feel eyes on his back, and the only other person in the room was Lily. He risked another glance. As he turned to investigate, he did indeed see Lily's eyes snap straight back to her plate.

_Lily Evans was looking at me again. She keeps looking at me._

Sev was an infinitesimal bit happier, hoping that Lily's looks were what he was hoping they meant.

Lately, Potter and the Marauders were hard to come by. It was strange. Too strange. Sev hardly saw them, nor Lily, nor Mulciber and Avery. This combination made him ruminate a bit too wildly sometimes. He would make up worried theories that perhaps Lily had finally given Potter a chance, or that Mulciber and Potter and allied in some mad plot against Sev. He couldn't understand why Potter would want to, Sev was already out of the way, but paranoia had always been one of Sev's less admirable traits. It was Friday and all Sev could think about was Slughorn's dinner. Everyone would not start classes until the next week, which meant they had a long weekend. Mostly, McNabb and Sev would 'chill', something which Sev had very much grown used to and they now had a regularly visited spot on the Hogwarts grounds. Friday was uneventful as many a day had been now. Well, not many, but for Sev, it seemed eternity since he'd been away from Lily. As he was lying with McNabb just out of the shade of a local tree on Friday afternoon, he had a lot of time to think about things he'd never done with Lily. He had never hugged her. He had never held her hand. There were so many times when her face had suggested that she may have wanted a hug, but Sev managed to ignore it.

_How is it that I did that?_

Sev screwed up his face in self-annoyance. He was an idiot. He could not even deny it anymore: he could do as well in his OWLs as anyone could possibly do, and yet he wouldn't have Lily. That would be the most idiotic thing anyone could pull. And he had done it.

_The bloody Dark Arts._

Sev sat up and looked around. The light of spring splayed in splendour across the Hogwarts grounds. The lake glistened light blue in the reflection of the clear sky. Not typical weather for Britain, but it made Sev savour it. When he thought about it, he had no idea why he would even rather the Dark Arts to normal life.

_The Dark Arts…what do they do? They shroud you in darkness, they leave you lonely, they make people hurt. I hurt Lily. Why would I do that?_

Sev thought about this long and hard, but he knew deep down inside: Sectumsempra or Levicorpus would probably not be lost to him. Nor would any of his other inventions.

It was around half past five when McNabb suggested that they start up for dinner. As they reached the Slytherin table and began to eat, Sev saw from the corner of his eye a group of people in red and gold ties approaching.

"Hey Sev," said Alice.

"Hello, Alice. Hi Ell." He inclined his head to the other, cheerful girl standing next to Alice. Ell gave him a happy wave. "What brings you two here?"

"Oh, you know, just to chat and what not," Alice said chirpily.

"Alright…" Sev felt awkward, but knew he had to carry on the conversation. He couldn't help himself. "Er, if you don't mind me asking, how's Lily?"

Alice and Ell's expressions waned slightly as they exchanged glances.

"She's okay…" Ell supplied, half-heartedly, "I mean- well- she's been better-"

"Severus, she's a wreck without you," Alice cut in.

This took Sev aback, but before he was able to question the comment, a sixth year Slytherin girl with a rather pretty face turned around to Sev and said, "Snape, this is _Slytherin _table. Either they go or all of you go."

She turned back around and Sev gave her back an indignant look, but he tapped McNabb on the shoulder and they left to Gryffindor table with Alice and Ell. The girls guided them to where Mary, Frank and the fifth Gryffindor girl Amy Maylin were sitting. Unfortunately, Lily was sitting on the far side of Mary, which meant that Sev could not say anything about what Alice had just told him. Everyone had greeted Sev and McNabb.

"Sev, I can't even begin to tell you how much your Potions lesson helped me, thank you so much!"

Sev was surprised by Alice's use of his shorter name. Lily was the only one who had ever called him that. Would it become a habit?

"Uh, yeah. No worries. Actually, it was pretty lucky that the prac. _was _a Draught of Peace, but then again, like I told you, I kind of saw it coming."

"Yeah," Alice for some reason seemed a lot more enthusiastic than usual, and was talking rather loudly. "It would be great if you could give me another private lesson soon! I'll need to get good at Potions for our NEWTs too."

Sev's eyes snapped to the shape of Lily who next to Mary had flinched wildly in the middle of Alice's sentence. Her head was quickly back to leaning on her hand though and she forked a bit of mashed potato into her mouth. Alice smiled widely but pretended that nothing had happened.

"So what's everyone doing on their holiday?"

Lily was not doing well at all. She did not want to be with her friends, talkative and happy during dinner, but she had to be, Alice demanded it of her, yet she would not concede to being social again. Lily sat at the end of her group with her head balanced on her hand, elbow on the table. She was not hungry.

"We'll be one second, guys," she heard Alice say, and her and Ell departed from their seats as Lily's eyes followed them.

_Oh no._

She knew where they were going and hoped to Merlin that they would not bring Sev over. About a minute had passed and Lily's luck had run dry. Sev and McNabb got up and all four of them were making their way back over to Gryffindor. Lily was determined to make herself invisible as they all sat down, Sev being the furthest from her. Conversation ignited.

"Sev, I can't even begin to tell you how much your Potions lesson helped me, thank you so much!"

Lily immediately tensed, but hoped it wasn't visible. _Sev? _People were calling him _Sev _now, were they? She thought that was a thing between him and herself. She had the urge to see his expression, but suppressed it and remained neutral.

"Uh, yeah. No worries," his tone was a bit uncertain, which sparked a curiosity into Lily, "Actually, it was pretty lucky that the prac. _was _a Draught of Peace, but then again, like I told you, I kind of saw it coming."

"Yeah," Alice was being uncomfortable loud and articulating every word clearly. "It would be great if you could give me another private lesson soon! I'll need to get good at Potions for our NEWTs too."

Lily's arm flinched, much to her own resentment, but she did not like what she heard. A private lesson? No, that didn't bother her. Of course it didn't, why would it? Her head was quickly back to leaning on her hand and she picked up her fork, busying herself by swallowing a bit of mashed potato. There was a slight pause and she knew that most of the group was looking at her. Sev must have been looking at her. She went red at the thought but hid it with her hair.

"So what's everyone doing on their holiday?"

Each person went through their holiday, and Sev was last. Lily had figured it out. She didn't want to know what Sev was doing, because she knew that her own holiday often involved hanging out with Sev, which she wouldn't be able to do. Alice was deliberately trying to make her jealous and upset. Lily didn't want to have to hear what Sev had planned, and got up to leave, stalking away back up to Gryffindor common room.


	7. Chapter 7

Lily was sitting in the Great Hall alone.

_Slughorn's dinner tonight._

She had no idea what on earth the repercussions or any of the results of it would be. Would she leave even more heartbroken and upset than what she already was? Or would something good come from the soirée? Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard footsteps. She assumed it was Sev, but when the footsteps seemed to be sounding closer and closer to her, she lifted her gaze to identify who it was walking towards her. McNabb.

"What are you doing here?" She asked rudely, after he had stopped in front of her.

"I suggest you don't go to Slughorn's party and instead go out with Potter."

Lily was astounded at his straight forwardness. It was absurd.

"What the hell? As if I'd ever go out with that toe-"

"Why is he such a toerag? If you like Severus so much then why shouldn't you like Potter?"

"They're two different people-"

"They're not so different. Snape is jealous of Potter. He's always wanted to be more like him, what do you think he's trying to change into now? A pretty boy who shakes his hair and talks to all your friends, trying to impress them, trying to impress you, forcing Slughorn to make sure you attend his party tonight so that he can single you out in front of everyone else-"

"What? No! Slughorn invited me, himself, Sev wouldn't-not even-he talks to my friends but-he doesn't like me like Potter does! He's just trying to get back my friendship! He's-"

"Trying to be a Potter. And think about it. Has Potter ever lied to you? Has he ever called you a _mudblood_? You may as well go out with him, he's exactly like Potter now! But you know, Potter wants to meet you tonight, after dinner, in the Entrance Hall."

"As if I would ever! No matter what you say! Potter still jinxes people and teases and-"

"He hasn't called Severus 'Snivellus' once this week. He's hardly even looked in his direction."

Lily could not deny the truth of this. There was absolutely no contact between the two during the week. Potter had tried to be nice, no matter how poor a job he had done, with her and with everyone else. Then again, this didn't really mean that it would stop forever. He still approached her with the rest of his gang every time he saw her. She had made up her mind.

"No. There's _no way_ that I will _ever go out with James Potter_," Lily hissed angrily, "And aren't you supposed to be friends with Sev? Some friend you are, passing on Potter's messages."

With a sudden and for Lily, unexpected jerk, McNabb was speaking in a breathy, suffocated voice, wretching slightly and clutching himself and his eyes stretching the skin in their sockets.

"Severus-no-you-hurt-someone-death-Potter-wants-Avery-has-me-death-eaters-revenge-loves-tell-"

He cut off abruptly and without drama and fell into his former controlled self, straightening up and speaking with stability.

"Think about it a bit more. Potter will be waiting for you."

McNabb walked off, footsteps echoing ghost-like from the floor and between the walls as sunlight began to flood the hall. Lily was left shocked extremely frightened, but not as much as she was angry and confused. McNabb had said something about Death Eaters.  
_  
__Sev is trying to be Potter. He knows. He's trying to destroy me. He's trying to get revenge. That's what McNabb was talking about. Sev's on his way to becoming a Death Eater.__  
_

Sev had a good dinner, but had early on noticed Lily's disappearance. Whenever she rejected him in any way now, he felt a small ache in his chest. He waved his goodbyes to his friends and headed back to Slytherin, not even noticing the strange glazed look on McNabb's face. He collected his pyjamas from his dorm and decided to head down to the showers. He needed a soothing hot shower to calm him. He decided to wash his hair for the dinner the next day, to make sure that he was clean and fresh, and looking half-decent.

Lily. Would she show up? Would she reject him again? A queasy pang went through his stomach this time. He was much more emotional than usual lately (something he detested thoroughly), and tears threatened the rims of his eyes. He hated himself for it. Running two hands over his face, eyes, nose, he raised his head and let the water fall on his face.

_Please, Lily. I don't know how long I can wait._

Sev had finished up in the bathroom and ambled back to Slytherin. His dorm was only occupied by McNabb.

"Thanks for telling me where you went, mate."

"Oh, sorry, I was in the-"

Sev was about to finish with "in the bathroom" but suddenly something strange caught in his throat and his voice came out raspy. Once he cleared it, he finally said, "I was in the bathroom", but it did not sound like him at all. His voice was much, much deeper, silkier and more resonant of calming tones.

"Woah, what?" He said in his new voice. "My-name-is-Severus-Snape. Holy Hippogriffs. What is with this?"

"Your voice broke, it seems," McNabb commented, "And shit is it deep. It doesn't look like you belong to your voice anymore."

"Shut up, I'll grow."

Sev got into bed, said night in his hum of a voice and drew his curtains, casting protective spells. He had done his thinking in the shower and got some rest for the coming day.

Sev had another odd dream, it was ominously frightening. He saw McNabb out near a tree on the grounds, basking in the sunlight. He went to join him and sit, doing the same thing. He closed his eyes but when he lost view of the world, he heard a voice that melted in his ears.

"Sev. Open your eyes," Lily's voice said. He could imagine her milky skin, clashing majestically with her crimson hair and green eyes. He tried to open his eyes, but they didn't. They couldn't move, no matter how he tried to make them.

"Sev," Lily breathed softly onto his face. He could feel her presence, so close to him, it was as if the hairs on the tip of his nose could feel hers, and he knew her arms were leaning on either said of him. He still couldn't open his eyes, but what he would have given to see her. Suddenly, his eyes were open, but there was no Lily, no tree, no light, no anything. Black. But suddenly a face loomed out from the darkness. Potter.

"You can't change her mind once it's made up. She's chosen me."

"What? No, no," He said, but in his old, higher-pitched voice.

"And Mulciber, McNabb, all your Slytherin buddies are my friends now. We're all friends, you're nothing. You're not good enough for anyone." Potter's face was fading into a wisp of white smoke, swirling around him.

"No, no, Lily..."

Sev opened his eyes and realised he was lying in his four-poster, safe and with the world still spinning.

"Just a dream, just a dream..." he murmured to himself.

After a shower and a fix up of his hair, he headed to the Great Hall. Of course, as she had been all week, Lily was in there, but this time she looked up at him.

"What is wrong with you?" She said in a highly accusatory voice. It reverberated through the hall and buzzed in his ears. He was speechless.

"All of you, you're all messed up. McNabb, Mulciber, you'll all become Death Eaters, I swear it! You're just trying to be some Death Eater James Potter, that's what you're doing!" Lily was now in tears of fury, but Sev felt that there was something else, hidden behind the expression. He walked right up to her this time, instead of his usual journey to the Slytherin table.

"I'm not a Death Eater," He spoke calmly, yet defiantly, "And I'll never be one of those evil bastards. And I'll never be Potter. And I have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to McNabb. You probably know this from listening to our conversations but he wants to work with magical creatures. He never wanted to be a Death Eater. We'll talk about this tonight, but if you love Potter so much, don't come at all, I'll give Slughorn some story."

And at that, Sev turned smoothly and strolled straight out the door and onto the grounds outside.

-

Lily couldn't believe herself, but with all the information she was processing, she wanted to go to the dinner. She needed to know what Sev knew, what he had to say. She wasn't going to cave in though. She loved him, but she would never forgive him. She would not go out with Potter, there was no one else she loved.

_I'm going to die alone._

She cried. The hall was empty and even if people started walking in, she wouldn't care. She cried out her heart, her soul, all the water in her body. No heartbreak could possibly hurt any person as much as it was hurting her now. A strange feeling was passing through every point in her body, and days of lack of nutrition, restlessness and other tears were suddenly horribly wearing.

_Sev. Sev. Why, Sev?_

Her head pounded. There was nothing she could do about it. As people began to stream in and her friends came to her side, they also immediately came to her aid.

"Lily, honey, what's wrong?" Mary consoled her and put an arm round her shoulders.

Lily wanted to tell them what was up with Sev. To warn them.

"I don't care what you guys say anymore," She said between tears, "You're not hanging out with Sev anymore. Don't you see what he is? What he's doing? I've been right all along."

"What are you talking about, Lil?" Ell questioned.

"I'm talking about how his friend McNabb just came to me to tell me what he's all about. Severus is lying, to all of us. He's still becoming a Death Eater."

"What?" Alice said rather with some force, "No, he can't be Lily. Really now, don't be going on about this again-"

"I'm not hypothesizing Alice! McNabb just told me that Sev is trying to get in with the crowd so that he can trick you!"

"Did he seriously say that straight out? Or are you bending his words?"

Lily was becoming angry. That's not what McNabb had said but she knew what he meant and knew if they had that they would agree.

"Well…no, but that's what he clearly implied! He went all deranged and started choking out words, you know, Severus, Death Eater, Avery and all those words tie into one thing and you know what it is!"

"Lily, I don't know, I think I'd like to ask him myself…"

Most of breakfast followed this trend of conversation, Lily trying eagerly to persuade her friends of his trickery, and them denying it.

-

Sev couldn't believe her. All he was doing and he was still "trying to be James Potter". She was obsessed! Alice was wrong! She didn't love him, she always talked about Potter, about what a 'toerag' he was, about how he's always ruffling his hair and showing off on his broom every other day. She didn't dislike that stuff, she loved it, but she was trying to repress her feelings. It was about time she finally go out with him. Sev kept walking towards the lake and with every tree he passed, he violently yanked a handful of leaves off of a branch and threw them on the ground wildly. He reached the lake, absolutely furious, enmity pulsing through the veins in his body, enmity aimed towards the entire world. He stood at the edge of the lake and looking once around at the panoramic view, he yelled. He yelled in his deep voice and birds flew from the trees in the Forbidden Forest. He yelled, his voice booming, and his voice returned to him in the mountains and through the open air. He yelled until his lungs were dry, his back and chest arching. When he felt his lungs could no longer withstand the pressure, he gasped, breathing heavily and shaking all over. His legs were suddenly carrying themselves into the water and he was splashing in it, his robes getting soaked, his legs completely saturated as he entered until waist height. He took a few deep breaths, then plunged his head beneath the water. It was icy, even in the summer weather, but he didn't care. He yelled. A jet of bubbles shot out of his mouth as the oxygen in his lungs poured out into a passionate fury, exhausting his organs once more. He surfaced and took tremulous breaths. He turned and sloshed onto the edge of the lake again, but fell onto his back, into the water so that just his nose and mouth remained above the water. He laid there for minutes. Maybe hours. Perhaps it was only mere seconds. But he felt as if his world was ending in an apocalyptic explosion. He did not want to get up. He did not ever want to have to get up. He did not want to go to Slughorn's party anymore. He wanted to lie in the water until his skin wrinkled and shrivelled up, until he was nothing but an ugly remnant of what he used to be. An unloved, unwanted fool who was branded a Death Eater, a murderer, by the only woman he ever loved. He was nothing. The three-quarters of Severus Snape would never be complete. What was the point in life anymore?

"Severus," He heard a calm and gentle voice say. He thought that he was beginning to hear things, but the calling of his name became more persistent, yet the calm in the voice did not waver.

"Mr. Snape, would you please open your eyes."

Sev opened his eyes finally and his peripherals saw a tall figure, clothed with royal blue robes, half-moon spectacles arching over his crooked nose. He still said nothing.

"Severus, it would be best not to wallow in your dejection in this water. The grindylows might take a risk at snatching you from the shallow waters."

Sev closed his eyes once more and sighed, a long, deep sigh, and sat up, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around his legs.

"What do you want, Professor?" Sev made no effort to conceal rudeness in his voice and wore a look of pain, not looking into Dumbledore's eyes but straight ahead of himself.

"I want to talk about you, Severus," Dumbledore said, ignoring Sev's attitude and speaking as calmly as he was before. Sev remained silent.

"Professor Slughorn has been telling me that you are quite the new man lately."

Sev shrugged, maintaining an expression of disinterest.

"I have also heard from the many ears I have in this castle that yourself and Miss Evans have had quite the feud. I know what you did outside Gryffindor tower, I do have a window."

Sev did not react to his words at all. Dumbledore was as serene as ever as water dripped from Sev's hair.

"Severus, I know of love. And it does not do well to drown in it."

"What do you know of love?" Sev abruptly burst out, "How can you possibly understand what I am feeling right now? Do you know how it feels to be cut out of the life of the only person you have ever loved and be replaced by the person you hate most?"

Dumbledore smiled strangely and said, "Well...no. I can't say that I have experienced the second part," Sev looked up at Dumbledore, curious about the remark, "But I have had my own bad experiences. We intelligent men must be resilient. No good will be achieved for anyone else, especially for that loved one, if we cease to make an effort in our lives. It would not help anyone."

"Lily wouldn't even care if I died right now."

"I would think otherwise. Listen, Severus, go to Professor Slughorn's dinner tonight. You may be enlightened. And I think that the frivolity of the night may cheer you up a bit! So please, get up out of the water, have something to eat and prepare for your party!"

"Why on Earth are you here anyway, Professor?"

"Why? Because I care about my students, Severus, and if I've been informed that one of them has been yelling his lungs dry, then appearing as if he's attempting to drown himself, I would be concerned. A hypothetical situation, of course," He added with a wink.

Sev gave an unamused huff and said, "Well, you don't have to be concerned. I'm damn fine. I've always been bloody fine by myself. Alone. Don't worry about me. No one else does."

"I beg to differ, Severus. I think a certain Lily Evans would-"

"She wouldn't give a damn FUCK about me even if I got on my knees in front of her and asked her to. Don't give me false hope."

Dumbledore's understanding expression did not become reproving.

"Severus, trust me when I say all will be fine. It is now round noon, please eat something and I implore that you attend your Head of House's dinner."

Sev gave Dumbledore one disdainful look, got up and stalked off up the grounds, soaking wet, with passers-by and students merely relaxing looking at him with quizzical looks upon their faces. He went straight into the Great Hall, several faces turned in his direction as many fell silent at the sight of him. He took an apple from Slytherin table and walked straight back out of the hall. Making his way to his common room, Sev passed Lily without a single glance in her direction as her gaze followed him, shocked, all the way to the entrance of the dungeons.

-


	8. Chapter 8

Sev hated the world. Nothing was right anymore. He felt as numb as ice as he stepped for the second time in that day under the hot water which burned his cold white skin. This time around, standing there with his head bowed and his wet hair flopping over his face, he did not feel tears coming on. He did not want to cry. No. What he wanted was Lily Evans back in his life. He wanted her to love him again, whether it was romantically or just as a best friend once more. He didn't gave one single damn any longer. His fury pounded in his head without sympathy, he had a headache beyond belief. This was beyond any pain Sev had ever experienced. This was not physical pain. It was something else.

-

What just happened? Lily thought, confused to the point that moving seemed impossible.

Suddenly, she saw Alice, Mary and Ell rush out to her.

"Lily! Lily!"  
"Did you see-"  
"What's up with Sev-"  
"Was it Potter-"  
"Potter was in the Hall you fool-"  
"Did he say anything?"

But Lily remained rooted to the spot.

"Lily?" Mary asked, wondering if Lily had even noticed their outbursts.

"I don't know what just happened," Lily said feebly.

Lily could not have even guessed what had just occurred before her. It had been hours after their confrontation and Severus had appeared, drenched from head to toe, apparently blazing with anger. He had not looked at her. And it had nothing to do with Potter. What was going on with Severus Snape?

"Maybe he was attacked?" Ell suggested, concerned.

"Not unless it was by the giant squid," Alice returned.

"Well then he must have been in the lake. Maybe he did get attacked by the giant squid?"

"Well, if that's the case," Mary offered, "Why did he storm into the Great Hall and take food? Wouldn't he go straight to the Hospital Wing? Wouldn't a teacher be with him? And he looked so angry," She added quietly.

They were all silent with contemplation.

Suddenly, Lily walked away from the group and up the marble staircase without a glance backwards, leaving her friends perplexed.

"Oh, Lily," Sighed Alice, "I feel terrible for her. And for Severus. Something needs to be done here to fix up this miscommunication. Let's get to the bottom of this guys."

The others nodded and "yeah"-ed their agreement and they walked back into the Great Hall.

-  
It had been a good hour that Sev had stood under the water for before he actually stepped out and dried himself. His skin was as wrinkle as ever for the period of time he had been in water today. He was just a tiny bit calmer, but didn't feel any less abjected.

Hmh, I'm in Slytherin and I've been in the water all day, Slytherin is represented by water...hah...

He felt extremely out of sorts. A surge of energy pulsed through him nd he began to laugh an unnatural, high laugh. It seemed uncomfortably forced, but Sev couldn't help himself anyway. His laughter swept over the empty bathroom, and he stood there alone, just laughing.

Oh dear, I'm going mad...

He pulled himself together and stopped.

And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep...

His father would always chant that, every time he would wake in the morning, hung over, even in his sleep. Sev didn't really know what it meant, but his mother had taken to the habit of saying it too, when she had just been attacked by Tobias Snape, or when she felt most depressed.

And miles to go before I sleep...

Sev had grown a bit of a back bone since last he knew himself. He was not going to give up after all the things he had done already. His goal, his life goal, was to have Lily by his side again, and if that was abandoned there would be no point in life at all anymore, and he wasn't going to do that to himself.

I am Severus Snape. I am the best Potions student this school has ever seen. I have a future.

He would be strong, he would be worthy of being one day called courageous, and if it ever, at the most extreme point, boiled down to him showing Potter up, he would do it. If Potter ever approached him with a duel though, he would try not to fight. Lily didn't want him to be that, no matter how much she wanted him to be Potter. She was too kind.

Sev tidied himself up once more and went up to his dormitory, deciding to have a nap before Slughorn's party.

-

All day, Lily had been pensive. Half the time, she didn't even understand what she was trying to analyse, or why. Why was she even bothering with Sev anymore? Why didn't she just go out with Potter like McNabb had suggested? Lily had always been calm, decisive - sure of anything she had encountered. But this was different. What was this?  
She was getting ready for Slughorn's party, she had decided that she would dress up. She now stood in front of her full length mirror which she had faced towards her four-poster and examined herself. She looked a bit better than her usual plain self, she had put on a bit of Muggle make up on; the usual mascara and red lipstick. That was as far as she ever dared, foundation and all those powders seemed too over-the-top for her. Sunlight was beginning to turn golden through the glass window panes and as Lily sat on her bed and looked at herself, the golden light shimmered on her face. Though she didn't know it, anyone else would have thought this image goddess-like, with the magnificent emerald, silk v-neck dress flowing around her body and the highlight of her sombre face shining. Her crimson hair fell over her shoulders with grace. She kept looking at herself, but not really seeing herself. She gazed into the mirror thoughtful and sat there in her graceful stillness until Slughorn's party was about to commence.

-

Sev woke up just two minutes before Slughorn's party and felt extremely drowsy, not a feeling he welcomed seeing as he wanted to be fully awake for his confrontation with Lily. He didn't bother to check his appearance as he strode out of his dorm and then out of the common room, only a few passages from Slughorn's office. When he entered, he was not the first there this time, many had already arrived including William Denson, but Lily had still not arrived. Everyone once again looked most elegant, while Sev, once again, arrived in his school robes. Perhaps this was what Lily preferred, why she liked Potter; he had some class about him. He belonged to a wealthy, happy family who could afford to live comfortably.  
But what was he thinking? Lily was not like that. Lily searched for character, for the qualities of a person, not their money, as opposed to many other girls at Hogwarts who probably would. He sat and waited with his hands folded in his lap. As more people arrived, all of them seemed to have avoided the seat to his right. Perhaps Slughorn had informed them of the situation between him and Lily.

"Hm, it seems we are missing Miss Evans," Slughorn began, "And I told her specifically to come tonight!" Slughorn gave a grave look at Sev, acting melodramatic as he always did. Sev was actually beginning to feel a bit disappointed as well. He had braved his feelings and come, probably the most courageous thing he would ever do and Lily, the one girl he expected to be much stronger than him had caved into her anger. Sev was starting to feel terrible when he saw everyone's heads turn.  
Sev turned to see what it was himself and his breath caught as he saw Lily who had Lily walked into the room, late.  
She wore an emerald green dress which flowed down her body like water. The neckline came down in a V and her hair fell on either side of her shoulders. Her eyes reflected a despairing beauty, and her face was not as radiant as her presence in the room. Sev quickly turned his head back to the centre of the table, willing himself not to look back and he slouched into the high-backed armchair. He instead focused upon the blazing fire nestled between Slughorn and Denson.

"Lovely Lily, welcome," boomed Slughorn vivaciously, obviously glad that she had shown up, "Pop yourself into this chair here and we'll get started!" He indicated the chair between Severus and a Ravenclaw girl named Reyna whose mother wrote a book on handling Sphinxes. Lily strode to the chair to his right, unaware that Sev was in the chair on her left, and she sat without complaint. She first turned to Reyna and greeted her with feigned warmth; she was clearly already acquainted with most people here. She then turned to Sev who was trying to look at her with evident determination, but as soon as their eyes caught one another, the atmosphere changed dramatically. Instead of the animosity he expected Lily to show towards him, both froze and stared, just stared into one another's eyes. There was nothing else and the energy which sparked at the contact was tangible. Sev looked in wonder, deep into her sad eyes and Lily shared the same look. They stayed like that for some time. Sev wasn't sure whether it was the close proximity which had caused it, the abrupt realisation that this was the closest they'd been for more than a week and a half, but he felt that he needed to touch her hand. Her hand, arm, anything just to know that she was really there, and he knew she felt that way too. A tear fell silently from Lily's eyes. All that seemed to be in the room with them was the fire, flickering softly and providing a warmth which enveloped the two. They unwillingly broke contact when Slughorn spoke.

"Well, I'm not going to say too much because I'm sure we all want to engage in our own chatter and fine dining," He eyed Lily and Sev, "So let us dig in!" He clapped his hands twice as he did last week and almost all the same foods as last time were present once again. The only difference was that the pheasants had turned into hams. People began eating, talking and laughing at the icebreaking jokes cracked by others. Sev speared the usual potatoes onto his plate, just to busy himself. Frankly, the last thing he was right now was hungry. Lily hadn't moved a muscle, but had her hands folded tightly in her lap and stared intently at the table in front of her. Sev moved his fork to absently spoon a potato into his mouth but was forced to stop when he felt a hand grasp his right arm. Lily hadn't shifted her position at all except for the hand on his arm. She finally looked up at the Professor and said, "Will you excuse us, sir?" It was more of a statement than a question, but Slughorn cheerfully waved an arm in her direction as she got up and dragged Sev with her, out the door. They walked through the passage from Slughorn's office and found themselves in the Potions classroom. When they had entered, Lily finally released her tight grip on Sev's arm, strolled to the middle of the room and turned with an gaze so intense that Sev faltered slightly under its pressure.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She demanded.

"Er, what-"

"You know just what I mean Severus! You-you go on and break my heart and rip me to shreds then you bloody-bloody try to make me jealous by making friends with my friends and fireworks and the burning and going out after dark-joining the Slug Club-fixing your hair-your skin-your voice-what-you're more calm-you hardly fight with Potter anymore! And then looking at me like that-like you-like you-you know-I know you know Severus and you shouldn't be pissing around with me like that!" It was all just angry rambling, each word culminating a tear.

"Wha-Lily, I don't know-what-"

"You know Severus Snape! You know how I'm feeling and you're just trying to get back at me for embarrassing you! But you-you're a Death Eater or something-"

"Lily, I-"

It hit him like a freight train and he finally understood all that she was talking about. Alice was really right. It wasn't Potter. He started up frantically.

"No, Lily, let me explain-"

"You can go now."

_No. It's not going to happen just like that. I am not going to let you go._

"Let me explain." Sev said it with pure determination in his voice.

Lily turned her head to the left slightly in surprise, but collecting herself, she turned back defiantly, arms crossed as she took a step forward, away from him.

"I'm going to explain."

Lily remained mute and Severus took this as a gesture which meant "You better start quick or else you won't get the chance at all".

"Lily, firstly, I AM NOT A DEATH EATER. Okay, get that through your head. I told you that this morning. And you think-you think this is to make you jealous? Let me tell you that that-that is a sickly brilliant idea, but I would never want to hurt you more than I already have."

Lily emitted a disbelieving snort. Sev felt slightly hurt.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore. I know it's too late for you, but it's not too late for me. I am changing, making friends with yours, giving you a fireworks display after hours, giving up the Dark Arts, doing all this with my appearance, not because I'm trying to make you feel bad, but because I'm trying to be good enough for you. This is what you wanted from me, isn't it?" Sev took a step forward. "Do you know why I came out of the Great Hall drenched? Because I was in the lake, I was seriously contemplating ending life then and there," Lily's body tensed visibly at this, "Right after you told me that you thought I was a Death Eater version of Potter. The two things I probably most hate in the world. And I was yelling my lungs out so loudly that even Professor Dumbledore heard me and told me to get a grip on myself. That's the only reason why I didn't do it. Do you know how it feels, right now, to actually be having somewhat of a conversation with you again? To have you listening to what I'm saying? And it's only been nine days. I'm changing Lily, and do you want to know the ultimate reason why?"

He paused for a few seconds to examine her reaction, but she did not change.

"Lily Evans. The reason why I'm changing, and I can't believe you don't know this already, I'm changing because I-"

"Don't. Just don't. I'm not going to let you do this to me. You've lied before and this just tops it all off. So ha ha. You can go back to Slytherin and tell all your Death Eater friends what a laugh all this is, how you've finally made me crumble, how now you know that I loved you and you were able to take advantage of me. You've finally completely torn up a stupid little _mudblood. _Well, I'm not going to stick around in this place to see you do it. Goodbye."

She turned back around with her head down to leave, but Sev caught her with a hand on either side of her arms. He looked deep into her eyes, searching them.

"No."

She tried to go, but before either of them knew it, Sev leaned his head down into her shoulder and wrapped his arms tightly around her figure, a hand on her back and the other on the back of her head. Lily's head rested on his shoulder. Helplessly, tears streamed down her face. Sev had never hugged her before. His caress was loose enough to offer her escape if she wanted to leave; but she brought her owns arms up and pulled him in tightly as well, both arms wrapped around his torso. It was beautiful. The moment felt so profound. Lily was warm and Sev's skin was rather cool and though many might have been repulsed by Sev's temperature, Lily didn't care. This was her best friend and she had known him from the beginning. She brushed her hand softly over his crown. Sev was the one to pull his head from her shoulder, regretfully doing so as they lost some of the closeness. They kept their arms and hands where they were, and Sev opened his eyes, giving her a loving gaze.

"I love you, Lily Evans. I'm only 16 but I don't care. I have loved you since I was 9 years old, since the first day we met, and I will never-"

On that word, tears streamed down his face and his voice broke.

"N-never stop loving you and if I h-have to forget about the rest of the world, if I h-had to leave my family, my friends, my wh-whole life, just to prove that to you, I would, no matter how late you think it is."

Lily looked up at him despairingly and then bowed her head, leaning it into his neck. Resting it there for some moments, she eventually drew away completely and left him standing there. She looked back into his dark eyes for a fleeting moment, but turned to leave and was gone, leaving him in solitude, alone in the room, tears falling to the floor.


	9. Chapter 9

**To everyone:**

This chapter = extremely dry.

Basically the musings and ruminations of Sev the night after and not much. I am basically giving almost a day by day story of the weeks after and of course, not _every _day is eventful. I am sorry that the story has been slack and not so good lately, but I am trying my hardest. Thanks everyone.

Jess

(PS. FanFiction isn't allowing me to indicate breaks or stars to show the different perspectives between Sev and Lily and time frames so sorry if it's a bit difficult to work out.)

Everything was a blur. If there was ever a dinner party, Sev never attended it. If there was ever such a thing as a normal life, Sev had never lived it. If there ever was a Severus Snape who didn't show his feelings, who wanted to be a Death Eater, who someday hoped that he would gain Lily Evans' affection despite these things, he never was it. He didn't know what anything was now, who anyone was, what had just happened, what would happen. Severus Snape, the Slytherin fifth year lay in his four-poster, still in his school robes while everyone was still down at dinner. He had not bothered with his nightly routine, if he had ever had one, and didn't bother with any protective enchantments, if he had ever needed them. The jumble in his brain left him incoherent and incapable of forming any clear picture, and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

It was Sunday morning. When Sev had opened his eyes, light shone through the gap in his curtains, an irritation. It seemed the weather outside was extremely bright, and probably hot: a sweet spring day. Sev might have been out already, on another day, but as he peeked through his curtains to the clock on the near wall, it told him that it was three in the afternoon. Sev dropped his head and laid it flat on the pillow again. He did not want to go out. He did not want to face anyone. He did not want to even lay eyes upon a single person, even though it was just a single particular person that he wanted to see. But he knew that she probably wouldn't want to see him, and in the back of his mind, Sev had some reservations too.  
Last night, he had confessed to Lily Evans his feelings for her, and they weren't any ordinary feelings. When a wizard finds the one, they always are _the one_. In the Muggle world, Sev knew, people got things called 'divorces' which meant that married people could become 'unmarried'. This was a concept unfounded in the Wizarding world, and Sev was significantly more inclined to Wizarding traditions. He would never stop loving Lily, and he told her that, and showed her that, and she walked away. What in Merlin's beard did that mean? Was she disgusted? Did she feel violated? Had she _pitied_ him? The thought churned Sev's stomach and he made no move to get out of bed. He was extraordinarily hungry but his unwillingness to see a human face overcame the feeling.  
_  
__She walked away.__  
_  
Why was it? It would bug him forever, but he didn't know if he had the guts to confront Lily again. What would he do?

"Did she meet you or what?"

"No. She went to that stupid party and saw stupid Snivellus."

"McNabb, you were supposed to convince her not to go! You're asking for punishment, aren't you?"

McNabb stood against a wall with a blank countenance.

"Answer me," Mulciber growled.

"Yes," McNabb replied instantly, robotically.

Mulciber sneered vindictively.

"Crucio!"

McNabb's yells filled the second floor girls' bathroom, but were stifled as Mulciber demanded silence. McNabb writhed on the ground in silent tears. Potter merely observed the scene, not hiding the fear clear in his eyes as he watched.

"You shouldn't be doing that-" A whiny voice began, but Moaning Myrtle instantly flew back into her toilet cubicle as McNabb broke off the Cruciatus and aimed a curse at her, hitting a sink tap which exploded.

"She's right though. Do you really need to do it?" Potter asked quietly as Mulciber turned back to McNabb who was still squirming, "I mean, there are hexes, but then there's that and, well, that's illegal for one. Where the hell do you learn that?"

"Do you want to get rid of Snape and get Evans or not?"

"Yeah, but...you don't need to hurt _him_. It wasn't really his fault."

"Yeah, you're right, it wasn't," McNabb said in low voice, "It was yours. You can't just not mess up for two seconds, can you? It seems like the _Mudblood_," Mulciber spat the word, "Hates you even more than she did before."

"Didn't I tell you not to call her that?" James rebuked, "And it's because she likes him! We have to get rid of Snape, it's the only way!"

"You know I can't get rid of him myself without getting caught! The point of this plan is to get rid of him without _us_causing him harm and then getting caught. You're just lucky I got this guy on the Imperius. All you have to do is go on a date with Evans, just once! Slip her a love potion and you'll be right."

"But she wouldn't REALLY be in love with me, would she? I mean, when it wears off-"

"That doesn't matter," Mulciber said maliciously, "We just need Snape out of the picture, and his greatest fear for losing Evans is _you_. I overheard him talking to the Nelson girl in the Potions classroom and I'm fairly sure that he would go as far as suicide if she chose you over him. If not, well, I don't think he would try anymore."

"Suicide?" Potter asked uneasily, "I don't think I would even...just for her...We're trying to kill him, are we? I thought we were just trying to get him expelled, you know, get him to attack me in front of a teacher and it's all good, or something like that?"

"Eh...we'll see how it pans out." Mulciber smiled an unsettling smile. It was less like a smile and more like the expression you'd see on the Devil as he was in mid-plot. Avery stood nonchalantly by the opposite bathroom wall from McNabb.

James stood there a bit frightened as he looked into Mulciber's face. The boy always looked angry but now, looking at him, he looked hungry. Potter knew Mulciber was going in for the kill, but as long as he wasn't held responsible and Snape truly was out of the picture, he would just ignore it. His only hope was that they really didn't get caught...

Sev was still in bed and around two hours had passed. He did not go back to sleep and so just lay there the whole time. His top thought was of Lily last night. She was as beautiful as ever and she had hugged him. He had hugged her and she had hugged him back. It was an embrace, really. The moment had been so incredible that Sev forgot to savour it, and regretted it now because the memory simply wasn't enough. It didn't seem like it would ever happen again either. But the fact was that Lily Evans had really touched him for the first time, had not flinched, had not backed away, even though she had left him, and whether it ever occurred again in the future or not didn't matter, because Sev was content as he was. He would not have minded if it did happen again though.

The doors to the dormitory suddenly opened, returning Sev to reality.

"So what happened last night?" He heard McNabb's voice inquire nonchalantly.

"I went to Slughorn's," Sev replied dully, still staring at the top of his four-poster.

"Yeah I know that, but what happened? Evans was there, nah?"

"Yes. She was."

"And so?"

"It doesn't matter." The deep voice rang.

"Of course it does mate, you like her!"

Sev remained silent, he realised his curtains were still drawn around him: McNabb had obviously known he would still be there.

The silence drew on uncomfortably. Sev didn't want to talk to anyone right now.

"Whatever."

Sev heard the dorm door shut with the loud smack of the lock against hard metal. Life wasn't fair. It never was.

It was an hour more before Sev hit himself.

_I'm not doing this shit to myself._

He knew there was one part of his plan that he didn't execute. He had to get Lily back, even if it killed him. Just to know that she forgave him. That she loved him without fault. He pulled back his curtains with a sharp ripping movement, almost taking the curtains off of the rack. Energy pulsed in his veins. He jumped to his trunk and pulled out a piece of parchment, ink and a quill, hopping back into his bed and drawing the curtains back around him. He dipped his quill into the ink and held quill to parchment. He held it there for one second. Then five. Then ten. Ink was beginning to blot and depress the parchment, but Sev had not a clue about what to say.

_Well a 'hello' would be a start._

And so he started. He sat on his bed with a quill in his hand for another half hour, ink blots appearing on the page with every few sentences. As he rounded off the message, his letter proved still not to be a very long one. He attempted sincerity in his words though, and so for that he was content with what he had scrawled down.

_Dear Petunia,_

_Before you choose to automatically neglect this letter and burn it in the fireplace (and so I'm hoping you've started reading some of the content), please, give it a chance. Lily's not doing too well right now, and though you might pretend you don't, I know you care. She and I are in a rough patch right now, and all I want to say is...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ever hurt her, and I'm sorry that I ever hurt you. I'm sorry about that time with the tree branch, I swear it was an accident. I'm sorry for acting bitter because you were non-magical (_he had to cross out Muggle here). _I'm sorry that I never took the time to know you, and I'm sorry that you didn't do the same. What I'm trying to say is: your family is the last family that I'd want to lose in my life, whether I really see you all much or not. So this is my offer: __forgive me.__ Forgive me for my idiocy and I swear to Merlin that your family will be spared of it forever more. And forgive Lily. She wanted to take you, Petunia. You know she did._

_Please reply by return owl, sorry again, _

_Severus Snape._

That was it. That was what he was going to send Lily's unpleasant older sister in order to reconcile with her after years of mutual silent loathing. Sev read the letter five times over and once he was sure he didn't miss out on one thing, he got out of bed, put on his shoes and finally left the dorm for the first time in some very many hours.

He passed the common room as if it were any other day. He went through the dungeons and crossed the Entrance Hall. The people there were carrying on, laughing, talking, going on with their evening, as if nothing had happened the night before. The birds chirped outside the Entrance Hall as the students of Hogwarts soaked up the last of the sunlight. It was if the world really hadn't stopped turning, as if life was normal and happy, as if the most dramatic thing that could possibly occur in anyone's life had not. Sev's world was falling apart, yet as he passed these faces displaying so many different emotions, disparate to his own dejection, he could not comprehend how anyone could really be continuing on with life. It felt mocking. He trudged up the marble staircase and he seemed to take ages to reach the Owlery, but he made it after passing numerous faces in which he was familiar with through passing. None of them had even seemed to notice Sev; no one knew what had happened last night. This made Sev a bit uneasy. Was last night really real? Did he ever confess his feelings to Lily Evans, in that heart-wrenching, eye-watering, stomach-aching way? Did Lily really imply her own love, show her own affection back? Either way, he had to send this letter to Petunia, and as he tied his letter after ten minutes of thought to a large barn owl and watched it depart, he desperately hoped that he was doing the right thing and that it would get through to Lily. His best hope was that Petunia messaged back, and that the response was positive, or somewhere close to that anyway, considering Petunia. On his way out of the Owlery, he passed someone who he identified as a fourth year Ravenclaw who looked at him quickly and then back away. Sev ignored this and moved on.

The world appeared to be normal. Sev decided it was okay to go to the Great Hall and join the school for dinner, so long as he could avoid anyone who would be far enough out of their right minds to actually want to talk to him. He was feeling reclusive, but was as hungry as a Hippogriff. He sat as close to the far corner of the room as possible, the back of his head faced Gryffindor table as he bent low over his chicken. There was no approach. He didn't mind that Alice hadn't come to him, but it was Mulciber and Avery that he growing increasingly perturbed about.

_What is with that? Why haven't they tried to make my life hell yet?_

Sev looked up the table and spotted Mulciber and Avery together. They were muttering to one another quietly, looking furtively from the air in front of them to Gryffindor table, where Potter sat, and then where – Sev realised as his heart jumped into his throat – Lily was sitting.

Alone. Sev couldn't even see her face; her head was on the table with her arms folded below it, her empty golden plate shining without the stain of food. Her soft red hair flowed around her and – Sev sharply looked away. So last night's events did exist. But Sev knew that now was not the time to try and approach Lily. They had Potions tomorrow, and naturally, Lily was his partner. Perhaps some of their miscommunication would be rectified. It seemed too silly though, to be going back to class and sorting it out there. Their relationship - or at least Sev's feelings - were too serious to be simply discussing in a Potions class. This wasn't something anyone could imagine. James Potter could not even come close to comprehending Sev's ardor. It was overwhelming. It was life changing. He needed Lily Evans to live. She was the only thing he had.

The shower water fell with slaps on the bathroom floor as Sev stood under the heat, his body slowly relaxing, dispelling some of the tension in his back. A good twenty minutes and he'd change into his pyjamas under his robes so he could walk up to his dormitory. Through the portrait and across the common room, Sev entered the empty dormitory.

_I have been such an idiot, _he thought.

He was always so busy with Lily on his mind that he had forgotten to wonder why it was Mulciber and Avery were avoiding him. His safety was becoming a diminishing concern lately, something he would probably have to think about more often, especially now that he had only just realised the implications of what Mulciber's glances from Potter to Lily had been. He fell onto his bed, didn't bother with manual labour and pulled his curtains shut with his wand, cast his protective charms, shoved his wand under his pillow and dozed off immediately, even though he had been asleep until the late afternoon. Life lately was physically and mentally wearing, and sleep was an elusive friend which Severus sought at whatever moment he could, when he wasn't thinking about Lily Evans of course.


	10. Chapter 10

**EDIT: To everyone, I am sincerely sorry for my writing. This chapter (once I have read it again), is truly dreadful. This is definitely not how I wanted it to happen but everyone was becoming restless and once I've lost my train of thought, I've lost it. It's mainly because I have it in my head how I want it to happen, and it's all great, but I can't convey that in literature. Sorry again.**

**I know the story's been getting a bit dry, but my writing skills have considerably decreased in quality of late, so it's all generally crappy. But here it is, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. While you're reading it, I suggest you listen to the song **_**To The Architect **_**from the (500) Days of Summer movie score. It is beautiful and it's what I was listening to while writing this chapter (along with the rest of the score). Enjoy **

**Link to **_**To The Architect: **_.com/watch?v=UXdo6W9XSUA

Morning. It was still dark. The sun had yet to rise, which meant Sev had woken up early, as usual. His body clock had adjusted quickly in the past few extraordinary days. He sat up as he opened his eyes and took a deep breath of cool air. Today he would see Lily again, see her eyes. Today he would face her once more after he had divulged all his emotions, his love, his _weakness_ - that she was everything. Double Potions was just after lunch. She had to be there, and he would wait for her on that wooden table stool for her, the whole two periods even if she didn't show up. Sev rose from bed with an anxious eagerness and followed his usual routine, running down to the bathroom for a shower and heading out to the Great Hall. He walked to the great big wooden doors, expecting not to see Lily, expecting her to try to avoid him as much as possible. His heart sank considerably at the thought, but it gave an enormous jolt in response to what he saw there, sitting at the table on the far right of the room. Not Lily. Mulciber. Just Mulciber –sitting at Slytherin table, the rest of the hall empty. He turned slowly as Sev paused with a muffled stop at the entrance. Spread right across Mulciber's face was a frighteningly malicious smile, and held up in his right hand was an envelope. Sev rattled his brain for the meaning of it, he was still shocked at Mulciber's presence, and Avery's absence, but it struck him like lightning as his face contorted into fury and an angry fear. Petunia's letter. It had already come and Mulciber had got it.

_How the hell did he know I sent that? How the hell did he get it? _

Sev pulled out his wand from beneath his robes and advanced towards the place Mulciber was sitting, Mulciber getting up and pulling his own wand out. "Give me that." Sev said to Mulciber, the low voice emitting an authoritative, powerful sound. Mulciber smirked with shadowy eyes. "I've been doing some wide reading here," he pointed to the envelope in his upheld hand with his wand, "Looks like you're still holding out for Mudbloods, aren't you?" It was a statement, rather than a question.

"I'm not 'holding out' for anything and don't call them that. Give me that letter," Sev held out his free left hand and kept his wand raised.

"I don't know. Do I think you really want to see what's in it?" He eyed the envelope, its seal unstuck, "Sounds like you'd be better off giving up on this Evans family and joining back up with us. The Dark Lord has informed me that he is rather keen to put talents such as yours to use," Mulciber pointed his wand snappily towards the letter, emitting a strong, resounding "No!" from Severus and an instinctive non-verbal _Expelliarmus_, which caused Mulciber's wand to fly out of his hand and straight into Sev's awaiting left one. The mention of You-Know-Who intrigued Sev, but not in a way which might spark a darker interest.

"The Dark Lord has contacted you?"

"Through my father, of course. Simple Owl Post is much too modest for such a powerful wizard."

"Well you can tell your father that I am not in the least bit interested in joining or in any way helping the Dark Lord."

There was an ominous silence echoing in the hall as Sev's last words rang on.

"You don't know what the Dark Lord will do to get what he wants, Snape."

"I am fully aware and am confident with my decision."

But Sev did not feel that confident. The pretense was hard for him to keep. He couldn't imagine what the Dark Lord would desperately need from Severus, and he didn't know what lengths he would go to in order to persuade Sev to allegiance. Wand still pointed, Sev demanded the letter back, which Mulciber threw at his feet. It wasn't until Mulciber had passed him with a knock that Sev threw his wand back to him and watched him leave the Great Hall, wand constantly poised and ready for any surprise attack Mulciber might unleash. With the final echoing footsteps leaving the hall, Sev relaxed and took a seat at Slytherin table, with his head leaned on his hands.

_The days are getting longer and harder, and I still don't have Lily back._

Today would be the day. _It would be the day, no matter what it took. _Sev suddenly remembered something crucial: the letter. He hastily leaned over and grabbed Petunia's letter of the floor and tore the paper from the envelope. It was his letter. At first, his heart sinking, he thought that Petunia had sent his letter back with nothing, but he'd realised that she had annotated his message in black ball-point.

_Dear Petunia,_

_Before you choose to automatically neglect this letter and burn it in the fireplace (and so I'm hoping you've started reading some of the content), please, give it a chance. __**Yes, I have started reading it.**__ Lily's not doing too well right now, and though you might pretend you don't, __I know you care.__**I bet you do. **__She and I are in a rough patch right now, (__**ditto)**__ and all I want to say is...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ever hurt her, and I'm sorry that I ever hurt you. I'm sorry about that time with the tree branch, I swear it was an accident. I'm sorry for acting bitter because you were non-magical. I'm sorry that I never took the time to know you, and I'm sorry that you didn't do the same. What I'm trying to say is: your family is the last family that I'd want to lose in my life, whether I really see you all much or not. So this is my offer: __forgive me.__ Forgive me for my idiocy and I swear to Merlin that your family will be spared of it forever more. And forgive Lily. She wanted to take you, Petunia. You know she did.__**I want a personal apology from her.**_

_Please reply by return owl, sorry again,_

_Severus Snape._

_**I forgive you, but that doesn't mean I like you. **_

Sev stared at the last annotation for five minutes. He read it over and over and over. And then he let out an enormous sigh of relief, and clutched the letter to his chest.

"Thank you," he whispered to himself.

Mulciber was lying, he was glad he saw the letter. It didn't matter that she didn't like him, as long as he was forgiven, an enormous burden, a load had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt fresh, anew. Today was the day, he knew, that Lily would return to him. Severus Snape and Lily Evans would be together once more.

Sev paid no attention in History of Magic.

He paid no attention in Transfiguration.

And he paid no attention in Defence Against the Dark Arts. All he could see was Lily in the farthest corner of the room from him, hiding her face behind her long red hair. Lunch time felt like it had been going for ages and ages and Sev was alacritous to get to Potions, so when the time came and lunch ended, he eagerly walked to the Potions classroom before even bothering to wait for McNabb. He pushed the door open with all his confidence, and found her there. She was there already, at their table at the far end of the room. Sev stared at the back of her head, his eyes stinging, and then went to his seat. She did not look up but continued to look down at the table with her head slightly tilted to the side. She herself had tears in her eyes when she finally looked up into Sev's. Sev's chest was quaking and his vision was blurring, remembering what had happened two nights ago in the same room. Sev didn't care that Slughorn and the rest had already settled and that he had begun to address the class, congratulating them on the completion of their OWLs. It was hardly processing in his mind that James Potter was watching them at the table behind them. After around three minutes had passed, people seemed to be taking out their equipment and Potions ingredients, Sev and Lily started doing the same, yet not really knowing exactly what they were meant to be doing, and as soon as they had a cauldron lit and the water boiling, Sev took his hands and shaped them around Lily's face, looking her dead in the eyes. She looked back and he didn't know what he saw, but he brought has face close and spoke in a deep whisper.

"Lily, can you please understand," he began, his hooked nose close to her smaller one, "The extent to which I need you. Understand the extent to which I _love you._" He came straight to the point.

Some people were starting to look their way and were murmuring to each other their gossip. The pair did not notice, but most people had certainly noticed the scene which was now occurring in the classroom.

"Can you please understand," he continued, holding her eyes. "That right now, I would do anything, _anything, _to make you happy. Even if it cost me my life." He knew she wouldn't understand the truth of what he was saying, but he meant it both literally and hypothetically.

"I don't think there are any words that can possibly express," he brought his nose to touch the tip of hers, "What I feel for you. It's indescribable. But it's incredible, you know. People always wonder what the point of life is. And I think I know now. I mean-if it's possible for something, something like what I feel to mean more to me than anything, for me to feel like- for me to wish that I didn't exist if I didn't have it, well that must be it. I love you more than I love my life and that is my purpose for living Lily. I _have _to love you."

Sev waited for her reaction, her reply, her rejection, her anything, whatever she would give him for what he had given her. He waited for one minute with his eyes closed, not wishing to see hers again until she did something, and then something remarkable, impossible - inconceivable happened. Lily brought her hands up and curved them around the side of Sev's face too and pushed her lips onto his. It could not have been possible that it was happening, but it was happening and Sev brought his arms around her and pulled her in as they sat on the stools, and they ignored the cheers from the Gryffindor girls, and they ignored the surprised cries from the other students, and they ignored the applause which had begun from McNabb, and they ignored the loud shout of 'No!' which had obviously come from James Potter. Horace Slughorn simply stood in perplexed, dumbstruck silence as the two students of Gryffindor and his own house Slytherin were bound together in a passion which exceeded the maturity of two fifteen year olds. Lily pulled her lips away a fraction of an inch and uttered under her breath, "I love you too, Sev, I've been such an idi-"

"Don't even say that. I've been the idiotic one."

Lily gave a short laugh and her forehead moved against Sev's own, and he laughed too, and they both had wide grins on their faces.

"Uh, Mr Snape and Miss Evans?"

The two turned their heads to the side and found an awkward looking Professor Slughorn fidgeting with his hands and looking at the floor in front of them.

"Er, would you like to leave the classroom for a few moments?"

Everyone laughed at that, everybody except for James Potter and the Marauders, and Mulciber and Avery. This was ignored though, and Severus stood up, taking Lily's hand and both left with a thankful nod to Professor Slughorn.

And so it was that Severus Snape and Lily Evans walked hand-in-hand up the dungeon stairs into the Entrance Hall and out onto the school grounds where there was no one but just the two of them, strolling through the sunlight until Sev came to the tree they always used to sit by, the one in his dream. Sev sat with his legs out on the grass and invited Lily down. She was surprised by the action, she never knew Sev to be one for lying down in the sunlight, especially not out in the open. But she went down and as she sat Sev fell to his side and she followed suit, as the cool grass mingled with her bare skin in the open sunlight. Sev's arm came around her and he drew her in close, just like the dream. He rested his forehead on hers, and he was silent. He felt her hand on his back as their robes tied together, and her breath on his face, and it was so sweet and so perfect and he was savouring it all. He was breathing her breath and wrapping his arms around her.

"So what made you change your mind and decide to believe me?"

Lily paused and smiled looking up with the small space she had into his eyes.

"You've never-ever been this committed to something that wasn't Potions, or the Dark Arts. And, I had this feeling-well," she was searching for the words, for what she meant to say but she was having difficulty, "Well, I decided I love you too much to be away from you whether I believe you or not. I just needed to be sure, I needed to hear from your mouth that you felt the same way too."

"I have _always _felt the same way Lily, and I always will. Always."

And that was the dream. It was happening. They were lying in the sunlight, alone with each other. Lily's dark red hair tangled in her robes and brushed over his face, its colour striking a wonderful contrast with the green grass. Gryffindor and Slytherin; so different yet together here. This was all Severus Snape was ever going to need, and he knew it would be the beginning of the rest of his life.

Mulciber was crushing scarab beetles furiously next to Avery who bore a blank countenance.

"I've failed," he repeated to himself, "I've failed, I've failed…"

James Potter sat at his Potions table with nothing left in him. Sirius had his arm around his best friend in silent consolation, but James was at a loss for actions, words, and even emotions. Esmerelda Ellis came to around to Padfoot, removed his arm and wrapped her own around James Potter's torso. He was too lost to respond to the action and let it happen.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered to him. He only hoped she was right.


	11. Chapter 11

_**(This is probably becoming a frequent and irritating thing for you, but here I go.)**_

_**I sincerely apologise AGAIN, because to be honest, I did not edit/reread/proof read/go over this chapter. Not once. Not at all. I was actually dying to finish it last night at 1:45 am (well morning then) but seriously I was so tired and just tapped out the last few lines and published it. I just wanted to get it over and done with. Plus, I keep telling you guys, I AM A SHIT WRITER. So if something doesn't make sense, IT'S BECAUSE I'M A SHIT WRITER. But yeah, I pretty much just killed this chapter and went. But I will fix it NOW and as fast as I can but honestly and I will tell you again and again: I am losing the will to finish this or to even put much effort into this story. But I will finish it for all you who read it because I just hate it when people don't finish and you're just like BUT I LIKED THAT STORY. Anyway. I have to go fold some clothes. **_

_**x**_

Sev couldn't imagine how life could possibly have been real, and happening. Perhaps he had truly drowned himself in the Great Lake those days ago, and the Giant Squid had taken him for a morning snack. But it had swept like wildfire through Hogwarts that Lily Evans and _Snivellus _Snape were together, and even then, some were already beginning to call him by his first and proper name. Sev could have sworn that on Tuesday morning at breakfast while looking around the Great Hall, he saw Professor Dumbledore wink at him with a smile as he briefly met his gaze. This was only two days after he and Lily had reunited. Sev could not forget the ultimate prize though, it was impossible to forget: Lily Evans, his best friend, and more now. This morning he sat at Gryffindor table with her for breakfast, cast off to the side a bit from the other Gryffindor band of friends. Now that they were together, it was constantly difficult for him to be apart from her; he didn't know if she felt that strongly too, but he wouldn't care for as long as he had her. They sat in silence as they ate, but had happy smiles on their faces for as much as their chewing would let them. McNabb had now become a regular member of the Gryffindor group and had struck up a good relationship with Frank Longbottom. The strange behaviour which he had been exhibiting seemed to have turned down several notches; no more interrogations, no more erratic moods, but he still wasn't completely relaxed. He seemed tense at times.

James Potter had made it a thing to give Sev the dirtiest, most hate invested stare he could possibly give every time he found Sev's eyes, but it didn't bother Sev anymore. Potter seemed as if he had temporarily revoked his job as the school bully and mostly everyone had been at peace. His Marauders were still always by his side, and Sev couldn't help but notice the way Ell would furtively glance over at Potter's end of the table.

Considering all the radical changes, everything seemed as if nothing had really changed at all. Conversation between Snape and Evans had proceeded as if no altercations had occurred prior to their new interactions.

"Have you noticed how Ell's been acting lately?" Sev voiced.

"Yeah, I have actually," Lily said with amusement. "Her and James have actually been fairly close lately. She's been there for him, but I think her feelings are a little more developed than his are."

"James?" Sev questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh-will you relax? She demands that we call him that now. She hates it when I call him anything else."

Sev gave a small, breathy laugh.

Lily watched him with a smile, "You don't have any idea how good it is to see you do that."

"Do what?"

Lily paused thoughtfully.

"Be happy."

Sev looked her in the eyes, in those deep green eyes which he would never get over with a wonderment that he knew was love. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he put his farthest hand on her neck. They stayed that way as the Owl Post swooped in, and to Sev's surprise, a stark black owl dropped an envelope down on his lap and remained perched on the table in front of him. Lily lifted her head and Sev withdrew his arm, taking the letter which was addressed to no one. He wasn't sure whether or not he should have opened it, not believing that such an elegant and mysterious creature, without address attached to its delivery, could have been meant for him. The envelope had a fair bulge to it too, as if something other than parchment was enclosed. He glanced at the owl which stared at him solemnly, urging him with subtlety to open the letter, and so Sev picked at the seal, and finally opening it, pulled out the parchment, leaving the unknown object in the envelope until he had finished the letter. As he unfolded, something made him look twice.

Blood. There were small blood splotches staining the centre of the parchment, where it had folded. Sev did not want to know why, but pulled his focus to the messy, scrawled writing which lay in black ink upon the parchment.

_The Dark Lord is displeased. He needs your skills, and your assets. If you, or your Mudblood _friend _would like to see her family again, give her up and send an owl back to let us know when you are available to…negotiate with the Dark Lord. We hope the gift we've left might help to persuade you in making your decision._

Sev had a bad feeling about what he would know find still enclosed in that envelope. Bracing himself, he put his fingers in but withdrew them swiftly. He felt something cold, and somewhat smooth; he went back in and pulled out something which he quickly dropped onto the table, immediately feeling nauseous and bending down for good measure. Lily flinched away with shock and horror, and a good five seconds brought her to a sickening realization.

"_That's my mother's finger!"_

Sev didn't think he could look at it. So that's where the blood stains had come from. A cleanly severed finger now lay on the table. It had a ring on it, and etched in dried blood on its side were the words: muggle filth. Lily was crying out loud now, and people had started to look in their direction. People in their close vicinity now saw what lay on the table and girls began to scream and boys began to yell. The owl still sat there, remaining serene as indefinable panic swept over the students in the Great Hall.

"QUIET!"

The Great Hall fell with an echo as the word descended upon every person in the room. Professor McGonagall had already made her way from the staff table to where Severus and Lily sat. She brought a hand up to her mouth in shock as she saw what all the commotion was about, and shot Dumbledore a worried look, a small nod accompanying it.

"Everybody, please make your way now to your classes quickly and quietly. Except for Mr Snape and Miss Evans."

Slowly, everybody moved away from the hall. Sev and Lily stayed in their places, Lily's head buried in his shoulder, one of his arms comfortingly wrapped around her waist and the other with a hand on her head. McGonagall vanished the ring finger as Dumbledore joined them.

"Come with me, both of you."

Sev took the letter, pulled Lily up and they followed Dumbledore, McGonagall, and the now present Slughorn out of the hall. It was very quiet as the five ascended floor by floor, until they reached the seventh floor on which they travelled until they encountered a gargoyle.

"Dragon balls," said Dumbledore quietly, and the statue jumped aside, revealing a spiral staircase in which they followed into what appeared to be the headmaster's office.

The circular room was a wonder: it was covered in portraits of previous headmasters and headmistresses, silver ornaments and gizmos scattered across a desk, many shelves of books, the sorting hat in a cabinet and Dumbledore's desk positioned right in the centre of the room, comfortable looking armchairs surrounding it. Dumbledore must already have had the room ready.

"Everyone take a seat please."

As Dumbledore took his place behind his desk, Lily and Sev sat next to one another with their heads of house on either side of them. It was then that they all sat in silence for a good five minutes as Dumbledore pored over the letter, taking in every word and linking it back to the thumb quietly with none but mere glances at Lily and Sev which betrayed no panic.

"We have a very serious situation here, you two know that I presume."

Lily and Sev nodded, a tear was still rolling down Lily's cheek.

"You're parents are missing and Lord Voldemort is trying to recruit you."

The silence continued as the house heads sat with speechless shock. Dumbledore was looking hard at Sev. The pierce of his gaze caused Sev to throw his mental barriers up immediately. The headmaster turned back to Lily.

"The search for your family is to begin at once Miss Evans. As for you, Severus, I implore that you do not return contact to any Death Eaters and deflect any affiliation with them offered to you. This is for your own good and safety. You too, Miss Evans. Do you both understand me?"

"Yes," said Sev, but Lily just nodded feebly.

"Before I allow you to leave, I now offer you the opportunity to tell me anything, or your heads of house anything which may be able to help all of us."

Sev thought for two seconds before immediately piping up.

"Mulciber. Interrogate Mulciber. Please," he said, catching Slughorn's sharp reaction to his accusation. "His father. He's a Death Eater. And I know that he and Avery are training to become Death Eaters themselves. I reckon he knows something about this."

"Are you certain of this accusation, Severus?" Dumbledore asked in a calm yet cautious tone.

"I am certain."

There was a small pause, in which Dumbledore pierced him again while Sev blocked his attempts, until he then looked at Lily shortly, and seeing that she had nothing to say, dismissed them.

"Do not return to your classes this morning. Please stay indoors, somewhere in the castle where you two can stay together while your teachers are taking classes. Please, you two, I strongly advise that you not travel alone. Lily," Dumbledore gave Lily a reassuring look as he captured her eyes, "We will keep you updated and I promise, I will find your family at any cost, and return them safely."

As Sev and Lily were leaving, McGonagall and Slughorn remained seated.

As if in tune with one another, Sev gave Lily one look which told her where they'd be going, and they left in silence to their tree by the lake. As they laid down on their backs, watching the sky, Sev looked sideways at Lily who still had tears running down her cheeks. He took her hand in his.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't say you're sorry, it's not your fault."

"It is my fault, Lily. I'm the reason your family is missing. I'm the reason for the last five years of your pain."

Lily was silent. She turned to look at Sev too. She thought before she began to speak.

"You know-yes, I am scared, and worried and anxious and any possible stress inducing feeling that I could possibly feel because of my family, but it's not your fault Sev. You might think you were the reason for five years of my pain, but you're forgetting that you were also the reason for seven years of my happiness."

Sev's eyes crinkled at those words and he looked at her with so much love he did not think it was possible. Sev pushed one of her tears of her cheek with his thumb.

"I hope we find your family," he whispered.

Lily closed her eyes.

"I hope the perpetrators don't find you."

Sev couldn't have cared less about his own life at this stage. All he cared for was loving Lily for as long as he _would _live for, and doing it wholly, and without end and hope she would love him back the same way. Lily took his hand and laced her fingers in his, putting their now joined hands back on her face.

_It's never going to be better than this, _he thought.

And for a moment, both of them forgot about the horrible predicament they were now facing, and as Lily looked back at him once more, she drew her head in and kissed him. It was surprising to Sev, even though he'd done it only days before, but that was only an impulsive thing. He eventually settled though, and they pushed gently, yet passionately. The two had never done such a thing with anyone else before and were inexperienced, but the strength of the affection was mutual, and the whole thing made sense and felt perfectly natural to them. It used to be that Sev could only imagine that Lily would ever return his feelings, and here she was, showing them. It was so new and so wonderful and the best part was that it was actually this girl, this girl he had loved since he was nine, and he was finally the one to take away some of the pain, hopefully a thing he would do in future to compensate for all he had done in the past.

_But you made her happy too._

And Sev and Lily were snogging as they wrapped their arms around each other and opened their mouths to one another. It seemed like nothing in the world could possibly be wrong right now, and yet everything was, but that only made them more intense in their passion in the eye of the storm.

Lily finally withdrew and they both were taking breaths, but Lily was the first to speak in a whisper.

"Sev. I love you. I really, really love you. For so long."

Sev laughed breathily, "Lily, you don't even have an idea what long means, or even the power of the word 'really'."

"Oh, just say you love me back will you?"

"Are you serious? I detest you."

Lily gave him a serious look. Looking into those emerald greens, Sev laughed again and his eyes crinkled, "Of course I love you, silly."

Their heads drew in again and they continued their snogging for another ten minutes, then just lay there until it was about lunch time.


	12. URGENT PLEASE READ

TO ALL WHO READ MY STORY

PAY ATTENTION

OKAY THERE ARE ABOUT TO BE SOME DRASTIC CHANGES TO MY STORY THAT WILL GO DOWN

I AM CHANGING A WHOLE BIT AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY

OKAY SO I NEVER INTENDED FOR LILY AND SEV TO GET TOGETHER _NOW _BUT I WAS GETTING IMPATIENT AND SO DID IT, BUT NOW I'VE REALISED I NEED THEM NOT TO BE TOGETHER RIGHT NOW TO PROCEED IN THIS STORY, SO HERE GOES, I AM ABOUT TO CHANGE ABOUT THREE CHAPTERS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS WILL TAKE, BUT PLEASE HOLD TIGHT AND I AM SO SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING _AGAIN. _BUT TRUST ME IT WILL ALL BE BETTER. I WILL POST A NEW POST WHEN I HAVE REPLACED ALL THE CHAPTERS THAT I NEED TO REPLACE TELLING YOU TO GO BACK AND READ.

THANK YOU ALL 3


End file.
